Power & Control: How (not) to be a Man

Time to get a grip on how we react.

In just a few moments of your time today, I would like to help you redefine your perception of how we should be as men…to our partners, families, friends, workplace and community. To some, this will not be an epiphany as they read along. To others, I hope it opens your eyes.

Recently, I was provided a list of actions that are considered “abusive” behavior. As I scanned the list, I was amazed at some of the items…considering, most people I know would be abusive per this list. I then saw a bigger picture and reality. If the majority of us do things that hurt others, the effect we are having on them always finds a way to come back full circle.

“Life is like an echo. What we send out, always comes right back.” – Chinese Proverb

 

I am personally guilty of some of these abusive behaviors. I have nothing to hide and I hope you can learn some things from my own experiences.

We do not think of ourselves as abusers because we JUSTIFY or MINIMIZE our actions due to the actions of the other person. What we need to realize is WE CANNOT CHANGE our partners, we can only change ourselves and be accountable for what WE do. It doesn’t matter if they are calling you names, you don’t have to call names back. I have come to a point in life where I think that those who fight the hardest to win an argument are truly the biggest losers.

We as men need to create SAFETY, not have a persona of stopping whatever behavior threatens our “authority” – we see aggression as being a natural part of being a man, and that our “superior status” gives us the right to use that aggression to dominate and control women..and others.

DO NOT BLAME YOUR T-SHOTS. Be accountable for your actions. I have been on T now for 5 months and I have not once blamed anything I have said or done on T. Do I feel more assertive? Sure! Yet, that is no excuse or justification to be an asshole.

We need to be loving, supportive and respectful. We need to be self-less, not selfish in our motives, thoughts and actions. We need to have integrity and be role models to our future generations.

It is NOT okay to lose our cool and have short fuses. I have been practicing this while driving. Where I live is NUTS with traffic and most people that live here shouldn’t have a drivers license. Lately, when someone cuts me off and I feel the urge to wave my Italian arm in the air and yell out, “You stupid idiot!!!!”, I now honk my horn and keep my mouth shut. Oh, and I have stopped honking my horn for, like, 5 minutes at the person. I had a wonderful habit of doing that. I’d get really fired up and lay on my horn for an uncomfortable amount of time. FACT: I have cut people off and most of the time it has been unintentional and I felt awful about it. Who’s to say these people just didn’t see me? We are human. We make mistakes. We need to realize this, stop stressing out, and move on.

FOR HEALTH’S SAKE:

High stress increases your blood pressure, increases cortisol (hormone that adds tummy fat), and makes your body more at risk to be unhealthy. Stress is not healthy. It is the precursor for many horrible things you don’t want.

To top that off, when we react instead of respond, we put the other person’s health at risk.

KIDS WILL BE KIDS?

You can listen in on a typical day at the playground and hear kids bullying other kids who aren’t aggressive or dominant and show more signs of passivity. They pick on them and call them all sorts of names like “faggot”, “wuss”, “p*ssy”, to demoralize them. Notice, most names these young boys are called usually relate to women. It is ingrained early on that for a man to be thought of in any way as a woman is degrading. *Just wanted to point that out*

I remember when I was a child, yelling and screaming TERRIFIED me. It made me feel scared inside and I wanted to go hide. As I grew up…I then adopted that behavior and felt like the louder I could get, the more I would be heard. I just really wanted to make sure I was heard and understood and even felt my reasoning was completely justified and rational. In turn, I wasn’t listening to the other person. I heard very little, made my assumptions and then defended my own reality and perception.

Why am I disclosing my own dirt? Because it is dirt MANY people have and I’m doing a complete makeover with the new revelations I have been receiving and it is time for all of us to clean up our lives so we can truly live and not be overshadowed by deception of how we should be as men.

I want to respect others, listen to them and value their feelings as I value my own. I want to respond calmly to things that usually strike a nerve and irritate me. I want to bite my tongue when I feel “triggered” and only respond in a loving way, or walk away until I can. I want to be the best husband and father I possibly can be.

HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE

It is just a fact. People who are hurt, hurt others. And when you are hurting, you are so wrapped up in your own hurt that you fail to realize there is another person right in front of you that is also hurting. We have this reptilian brain of “flight or fight” and forget to pass through the passive pathway of “cognitive thinking” and take the quick pit stop of “REACTION” … which is never the right exit to get off at. Most of the time we react, it is out of our own hurt and fear. Usually, when you feel something intense in a not-so-nice-way, you are either going to cry, lash out, or retreat.

I feel the time has come for men to embrace a sense of self in which they can provide safe environments and validation of others.

Lastly, I am providing you with the list I was given recently. Some of these are extreme, some might surprise you.

Violent and Controlling Behavior Checklist
Physical Violence
____ Slap, punch, grab, kick, choke, push, restrain, pull hair, pinch, bite
____ Rape (use of force, threats to get sex)
____ Use of weapons, throwing things, keeping weapons around which scare her
____ Abuse of furniture, things in the home, pets, destroying her things
____ Intimidation (standing in the doorway during arguments, angry or threatening gestures, use of size to intimidate, standing over her, outshouting, driving recklessly)
____ Uninvited touching
____ Threats (verbal or nonverbal, direct or indirect)
____ Harassment (uninvited visits or calls, following her around, checking up on her, embarrassing her in public, not leaving when asked)
____ Isolation (preventing or making it hard for her to see/talk to friends, relatives, others)
____ Other (please list)

Psychological and Economic Abuse
____ Yelling, swearing, being lewd, raising your voice, using angry expressions or gestures
____ Criticism (name-calling, swearing, mocking, put-downs, ridicule, accusations, blaming, use of trivializing words or gestures)
____ Pressure Tactics (rushing her to make decisions, using guilt/accusations, sulking, threatening to withhold financial support, manipulating children, abusing feelings)
____ Interrupting, changing topics, not listening, not responding, twisting her words, going on and on
____ Economic coercion (withholding money, the car, or other resources; sabotaging her attempts to work)
____ Claiming “the truth,” being the authority, defining her behavior, using “logic”
____ Lying, withholding information, infidelity (having sex with others)
____ Using pornography (e.g., magazines, movies, strip shows, home videos, etc.)
____ Withholding help on childcare/housework; not doing your share or following through on your agreements
____ Emotional withholding (not expressing feelings, not giving support, validation, attention, compliments, respect for her feelings, rights, and opinions)
____ Not taking care of yourself (not asking for help or support from friends, abusing drugs or alcohol, being a “people-pleaser”)
____ Other forms of manipulation (please list)

(Adapted from EMERGE, Boston, Massachusetts)

“Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing.”

TransParent Files: The Last 4 Months

You might be scratching your head right now thinking, “the last 4 months? But, your previous post was the first 6 months. That’s 10 months, not 9.” EXACTLY. 40 weeks is 10 months and it was news for us, too, when we realized “9 months” is truly 10!

I noticed sometime in the middle of this pregnancy that I didn’t want to read the books every night like I had done before. Once I knew he had surpassed the “safer” mode of pregnancy, I realized I had already read enough to go into pre-med. The sheer, initial thrill of it all turned more into a reality as I noticed Sicily’s bump resemble Mt. Everest more and more! Now, I’m playing catch up reading up on labor and delivery….and what happens once we bring him home!

The best part for me has been feeling him move and wondering…is that a head, a foot, an elbow? Maybe it’s his butt! I have told stories, sung opera (seriously…lol) and kissed her belly so much!

Sicily has been amazing as a pregnant mother. She talks to him, sings, dances and she always is rubbing her belly. He will actually lift up like he is saying to us…”that feels amazing! Please don’t stop!”

The Queen of Lean, now with a jellybean, has still been as healthy as can be. Not to mention, she hasn’t missed a day the entire pregnancy in her 5-day a week gym routine. I’m beginning to wonder if that is where she will go into labor!

SIDENOTE

As for myself, I have slacked big time and my actions have spoken louder than my words. I have said numerous times, “This is it! I’m going to be healthy again!” Then, I find myself sleeping in, skipping the gym, and eating cup cakes. You would think that I was the pregnant one! It’s ridiculous. I think I’ve gained around the same amount of weight as Sicily, yet when she gives birth and loses it, I will still have my baby belly.

This has been a struggle for me and I wanted to write about it because I know it happens to a lot of guys. The wake up call I got happened last week when my doctor called to inform me that my cholesterol was high and I needed to change my diet. I told the nurse, “I’m not surprised…I have slacked off for almost a year now.” To which she replied, “and it shows.”

Nice.

I’ve talked a lot about diet and fitness with Natural Transitioning and yet I haven’t talked about “food issues.” When I first lost 50lbs with NT, it was a dream come true. I have struggled and yo-yo’d with food my entire life and have come to realize  my deep-rooted issues with it. I am an over-eater. If I am stressed or upset, I eat. And eat. My portions are double or triple what they should be and my increased waistline is a sure indicator that I fell back into a trap from my past.

I am human, too. I sometimes have set-backs and have to pick myself up and dust myself off. I had Sicily take a photo of me the other day as my new “before” photo to encourage me to get back on track in my life to take care of myself. Heck, I have something else to live for now…my son! I want to be around for a long time!

Eating clean and exercising, I know and preach, isn’t part-time, it’s forever. I’m getting back in full gear to optimize my health and I’m letting you all be my accountability partners. I will update you on my progress.

BACK TO PREGNANCY

I have started dreaming about our son! It’s crazy. Some of the dreams are kinda scary, others are truly amazing! The other night, I dreamed about him when he was around 4 years old and I woke up with a HUGE smile on my face.

I can’t wait to be a daddy! Pregnancy is the time you think about everything!

We have had to prepare for it all and finally got her labor bag ready for the hospital last week. A entire list of items! So much of this stuff I don’t have a clue about. I went ahead and tried on my wearable baby carrier just to learn how to snap it on properly. We got the car seat set up properly…the nursery ready and waiting…clothes out the wa-hoo are hanging and folded…

Picking out things, like which is the best pacifier, can get overwhelming.

We were in the store, Target, one day and literally took 30 minutes to decide on which pacifier to buy! Seriously.

His name, which we will announce when he is born, has changed like 5 times throughout the pregnancy.

Around 8 months, Sicily started to feel HUGE. Now at 9 months I have to help her a lot more. She has a hard time reaching her feet and has a difficult time going up the stairs and rolling out of bed…which she does often since he is pressing on her bladder.

She is very tired and I can tell she enjoys pregnancy, but is to the point that she is READY for him to be here already!

10 months is almost one year … and talk about anticipation for something! I mean, it really has its share of ups and downs and feelings of joy mixed with fear mixed with excitement mixed with … gosh, every other emotion you can think of.

One thing we talk about a lot is how we can’t wait to see what he looks like! We had several 4D ultrasounds that gave us a pretty good idea, yet we know when he pops out, no matter what , it will be love at first site!

Sicily has grown even closer to me during this last phase of pregnancy. She has gotten more attached and I enjoy the feeling of being needed. It’s a new type of closeness for us since usually she is more independent. I have enjoyed the bonding we share with our growing son in her belly.

Our two chihuahuas barely let me near the belly because when I make kissy sounds and talk in baby talk they think it’s for them. It’s pretty funny! I wonder how they will react when our new, bouncing baby boy is in the house? I wonder if they will experience jealousy since they have had our sole attention for years?

Our families are ecstatic along with our friends. Even my co-workers talk about it all of the time. I can tell that a baby is such a joy for everyone. A brand new life, I feel, rejuvenates the lives of those of us who have been here a while.

It will be amazing and refreshing to see the world again through my son’s eyes. To see the beauty again and the wonder and awe. We lose that as time goes along and I can’t wait to watch him become fascinated with things I usually take for granted.

This has been my random post for today to try to catch you all up on us! I’m not sure if it even flowed correctly or not, but I tried to cram a bunch of thoughts together that would turn out to make sense and I hope I accomplished that somewhat today!

The next time I write about this…he will be here So…STAY TUNED!

TransParent Files: The First Six (6) Months

Proud Daddy-To-Be!!!!

No, no, no! I’m not the preggo one. That takes guts…and,well, a uterus. I will joyfully leave that up to women and transmen who are up for the challenge. I bow to you!

Since I’m a brand-spanking-new-to-be-dad (could I add another hyphen?), I thought I’d start sharing a bit of life as the spouse of a pregnant person.

You’re pregnant?

Finding out was truly the ultimate. You FINALLY see a second, pink line and your jaw drops. It’s kinda sorta like the way you felt the first time you went to Disney World…only this is ten times better.

It’s like you have that whole, “I believe it! I don’t believe it! I believe it! No, really?!?” You start to feel a little bit cuckoo inside…or maybe that was just me because my wife told me in the wee hours of the morning?

She jolted out of bed and said, “I think I’m pregnant!” at 2am. I mumbled something…and rolled over back into dream land. Next thing I know, it’s around 4:30 and I hear, “Tristan…can you please look at this and let me know if I’m crazy or not?”

I tried to swallow the cobwebs that had formed inside my mouth, went to the bathroom, rubbed my eyes and looked at the preggo pee stick on the countertop.

All of the sudden, my eyes almost popped out of my head! “Oh my God!!! You’re not crazy! I see it!!! Two lines!!! You’re pregnant!”

Yeah, we didn’t go back to sleep. We danced around on cloud 9 (maybe even 10) until we had to get ready for work.

T0 tell or not to tell, that is the question

Not telling anyone is like having the ultimate secret. They say to wait until the first trimester is over with just in case of a miscarriage…and we totally tried this…and we waited…and we made it…I think, two days?

The excitement is overwhelming!!! Sicily got a blood test and it was officially confirmed (not like the 10 preggo pee tests were wrong, or anything…) It’s like you can’t hear that your pregnant enough once you first find out. She peed on test sticks for the entire first month!

The First Trimester

Hormones, cravings and shopping…OH MY!

The first three months so far have been my LEAST favorite of pregnancy. Sicily was on progesterone to help sustain the baby and reduce the risk of miscarriage. All this did was make her hormones rage and I had that every day feeling of the dreaded “I do everything wrong!” (I even breathed incorrectly)

The food cravings began and we started to hit every Persian and Mediterranean buffet we could find. There was hummus always amoung us…and yes I rhymed on purpose.

As she slowly started to put on weight, well, so did I. This was the beginning of my “sympathy weight gain” which I wasn’t sympathizing with her…I just felt like I needed to eat for 2…or 3…or 4 myself!

Feeling your pants tighten and moving up a size doesn’t make you feel so hot. I will discuss this more in just a minute or ten (depending on how fast you read).

As a new dad and son of a mega-shopaholic mother…I decided to start hunting down some good deals for the baby.

What a big mistake!

All that did was make Sicily go bonkers since the first 3 months is a kinda scary time. She thought I would jinx the pregnancy by going ahead and buying stuff.

So, I snuck in a pair of baby boots and hid them in a drawer. Who knew she would look in there??? I sure didn’t and I learned to put the brakes on shopping!

Instead of shopping, I uploaded every free pregnancy app I could find and added it to my Droid (whose name is Herman since he is part of the family, even though my wife hates him). I have a countdown widget on my phone and as of today we are in week 24 and have 113 days to go!

Another thing to help the excitement and pass the time was reading all of those books out loud to her. WOW! Who knew there were that many books out there on pregnancy! Of course, THE book all the moms-to-be call the “pregnancy bible” is What to Expect When You’re Expecting.

Personally, I detest this book. To me, it’s a gi-normous book to make a preggo person scared out of their wits. SURE, it’s informative…but, maybe a little too much. Sicily glued this book to herself because she adores it that much. I think she started to bond with that book more than with me! (no joke)

The chick books I dig are The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy and Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy. Yup. If I’m going to read up on this stuff, I have to be able to chuckle about it to stay interested more than 10 minutes. SORRY. I have ADHD!

The ULTIMATE thing that happens during the 1st trimester is the ultrasound. Seeing your little nugget for the first time is beyond words (though, I will try to find some)…it is…fan-freaking-tabulous!!!!! Yeah, I had tears in my eyes and I gripped Sicily’s hand and watched our lil peanut on the screen!

Speaking of nuggets, you will be informed by all of the e-newsletters you get and your phone apps what the size of your bambino is week by week. You will be amazed at how many food items your baby will be the size of….my favorite was the orange. They said, “Your baby this week is the size of an orange. Pick one up, look at it, now eat it.” Seriously, folks. Kinda sick, eh?

The last thing I recall for the first BIG 3 was the heartbeat. Yup. Hearing that rapid thump, thump, thump makes your heart follow right in sync. Between the first ultrasound photo and hearing the heartbeat, you KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the real deal. There is no turning back. A baby is really in her belly!!!!

The Second Trimester

Amazingly, the day the 2nd trimester appeared, it’s like a big DING! went off on the microwave and suddenly, Sicily liked me again! The progesterone days were over with and her hormones got to settle down a bit. She looked at me with a sparkle in her eyes instead of a hiss and snarl in her voice. Ahhh….maybe this won’t be so bad after all?

The first thing when you hit this point is a sigh of relief! At this point it’s more rare to have a miscarriage, so for us we started to settle in and enjoy the ride more.

Then next thing I noticed was Sicily’s baby bump forming. Watching a natural, competitive bodybuilder form a bump on her belly is actually quite fun! More for me than for her…(bahahahaha!)

Actually, Sicily has embraced the bump…and everything else that has changed. Some things, I don’t see at all and I think it’s a figment of her imagination, yet I have learned (or been trained) to be empathetic with all of her feelings…even if they sound cuckoo to me!

At 16 weeks, we went for a 4-D experience and THAT was incredible! That is when we found out we were indeed having a BOY (though, we both already had a gut feeling!)

Speaking of GUTS, let me go back to that…”sympathy weight.” Yeah. Good times. So, around this time is when my “big boy britches” were starting to get snug and I realized if I didn’t soon get a grip and drop the fork, I was about to look pregnant, too!

People tell you to sleep all you can now, but Sicily didn’t wait to start “nesting” until her 3rd trimester…she started in her FIRST. I have torn the house apart and been putting it all back together. Time for the gym? Only at 4:30am which I have forced upon myself a handful of times. But, it comes to a point where you realize that your health is important and you have a bun in the oven that NEEDS you around…for, like, a long time. So, I decided to start eating better and wake up earlier so I can be my very best and reach my goal weight by his birth.

Another incentive for me is the fact that Sicily still goes to the gym 5 days a week. Count them…1, 2, 3, 4, FIVE! Seriously? I’m not even kidding! I wish I was, but I’m not. I have the preggo lady outdoing me…and that’s just plain SAD! Kudos to her and BOO-dos to me. Bad, Tristan! *slap on the wrist*

On a “lighter” note: I think she fell in baby love with the bump when she first felt the baby’s first kicks, which she said felt like gas bubbles. The first time I felt our bambino kick was the evening before my birthday (around 18+ weeks). That has been my most favorite part of these 3 months!

The first time I felt it, I could tell it was this miniature, tiny foot softly thumping my hand. It felt like the size of a small grape (yup, another food comparison…you get used to this in pregnancy).

My heart melted and I still can’t get enough. Every time she tells me he is moving, my hand is drawn to her belly like a magnet!

Sicily doesn't quite understand my humor....LOL!

One thing that I don’t think you “get” until you see it first-hand is what the GLOW is all about. YES, pregnant women DO glow! Sicily is like a beautiful version of my adolescent glow worm…and I can’t get enough. I stare at her dreamily and to me she is the most gorgeous I have ever seen her. There is just something extremely radiant about her being preggo and I have told her that I now want a whole litter just so I can keep her pregnant! (She, on the other hand, would probably shoot me in my sleep).

OH! I forgot to mention this part, but once you find out what you are having (if you choose to) the shopping can begin. This is especially fun, I’ve noticed, for first-time grandparents.

For us, we are thrifty people, so we have been bargain hunting and I believe we have saved hundreds (if not thousands) of buckaroos by buying clearance and gently used items. This, my friends, is the way to do it. Otherwise, you will become baby bankrupt!

Everything is a fortune! Plus, they make you feel like you have to buy a zillion things that are “must-have-items” …. seriously? Sorry, but I don’t remember having my baby wipes in a warmer when I was a little tater. I have a feeling my parents wiped my poopy butt with a cold, wet wipe and I turned out just fine. (Atleast that’s what I keep telling myself)

When Sicily said, “Enough is enough!” for the 30th time was when I felt we needed different types of strollers because I felt (was brainwashed?) they were crucial to have. I told her we needed a travel system, a jogging stroller, a lightweight stroller…at this point she said, “Can we PLEASE just wait for him to get here?” I debated with her and urged her that it’s smart to go ahead and have EVERYTHING before he gets here because we won’t have time once he is here.

After much deliberation, I realized what was truly going on within myself. I was STOKED and SCARED beyond belief at the situation and baby shopping was my therapy. And, yes, therapy is not free.

At this point of the adventure, my mind started to wander as I read through my personal books for soon-to-be fathers.

I started to ponder about life with a baby. I even thought of life as a trans father of a baby boy. Would I truly be able to measure up? Could I answer all of his questions in the future? Would I be lacking something?

I soon came to the realization that everyone has questions before they are a parent. We all strive to be “perfect” and yet when we aren’t (because, let’s face it…who is?) we feel like failures.

Yes, as a trans dad I will measure up, I can answer his questions and I will not be lacking anything. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

I know I can always ask a relative or friend for answers when I have a question. I also had to reassure myself of who I am and regain my confidence in myself. I had come this far in life and becoming a daddy will be the next thing I’m triumphant and victorious with. I will not fail.

In all honesty, even though I’ve had my ups and downs with my own parents…they didn’t fail. When a parent truly does their very best and does so with what they feel is all the love in their heart…they aren’t failing. Sure, they made some bad decisions and messed up…sometimes, BIG time….but, they are HUMAN. And…so am I, most days. So, I can only do my very best as a dad and I know that first and foremost it’s about loving my son unconditionally and helping to guide his footsteps in his own journey of life so he will have what it takes to one day spread his wings and soar.

To be continued

As we approached the 3rd trimester in just a couple of weeks, my baby posts will become the “TransParent Files” series. Sicily just might post some, too! There is much more to come…and Sicily is becoming a bit terrified at the realization her beloved bump is about to DOUBLE in size! (insert cheesy, horror movie music)

Babeland’s Realdoe makes me go…WHOA! (in a VERY good way)

One of the WORST things about a strap-on is…the STRAPS.

Nothing makes it feel more unreal. Like a distant cousin’s brother’s aunt’s friend.

It does NOT feel like a part of yourself when you have to tighten straps around your waist and sometimes your thighs!

To top it off, it pretty much ends up being a chastity belt for yourself…with little to zero stimulation, having to leave it all to the imagination and whatever motion you have in your ocean.

A harness, you say? Yeah, I love wearing a BIG gi-normous BELT when trying to feel sexy…

Let me tell you about something else. Something BETTER. Something that just might blow your mind and make your partner swoon!

Babeland Toys has a product that is a must-have, if you can handle it! The Tantus Realdoe is STRAPLESS! Once in place, it truly becomes one with you so you can pleasure your partner and yourself all at the same time.

This product made my girl’s jaw drop! It’s revolutionary!

You can choose to have vibration for extra stimulation or you can make your own vibration!

Basically, it’s simple. You simply place the smaller “knob” like end inside of you and VOILA! it stays in place. It takes a minute or two to adjust to the feeling of, “Uh-oh! It’s gonna fall out!” to realize…it WON’T. The Realdoe stays secure and snug and allows you to truly feel this isn’t some stranger attached to you, but just a wonderful extension of yourself. It even has a few ridges for extra stimulation…now, weren’t they being smart when making this rockin’ thing?!?

I know some guys might not like having to put anything inside, but if you can move past that, I’m telling you what! This thing rocks my world and my girls!

Looking down and seeing it…you truly feel it is you! You could never feel the same looking down at a harness or straps. The Realdoe takes the cake and the icing, too!

Highly recommended! This is a product that already took too long to arrive so get yours today!!! You will NOT be disappointed…and neither will your partner!

Babeland's Tantus Realdoe

Men DO care how they look…they just don’t verbalize it as much

It’s not rocket science to know the pressures put on women to look a certain way to be perceived as “beautiful.” They spend hours getting ready. Getting their eye shadow…just right. Picking out the most flattering outfit for their figure. Eating healthier options to keep their school girl figure.

Most women I talk to truly think men have it MUCH easier. In some aspects, we do. I can get ready in half of the amount of time it takes my wife. But, I have less hair to shampoo, I don’t shave my legs and I don’t wear makeup. That buys me almost an hour more, it seems.

Yet, I am not alone when it comes to wanting to look good, be healthy and stay attractive for my mate. The guys at work are all the same. We talk about needing to hit the gym more, getting fit for the beach, getting a fake tan for a nice glow. We discuss the best place to get a haircut and on occasion, and once in a blue moon, we will join our wives for a mani/pedi.

No, not all guys groom themselves the same. I work with your typical white, conservative men and was surprised at first to learn they felt the same as I do.

We have inner envy for the guy that walks by with the six-pack abs and lean physique. We quickly glance at our wives to see if they are staring as we look down at our fluff-pack.

My wife said something yesterday that really hit me.

She said, “Most people strive to look their best when they are single. I think they should try even harder once married.”

I asked her why and she replied, “Because you have someone you love to be healthy for, to live longer for, to look your best for.”

That makes sense. We do tend to whip it into shape when we are on the hunt, but then we settle down and let our waistlines expand. Our love grows into handles.

All of this aside, I think it’s just something you have to do for yourself!

Women are hard on themselves, but so are we men. We feel we have to look a certain way to turn heads and make girls drool.

The whole thing is funny if you think about it. We all worry so much about what we look like. Yet, that all changes. Physically, we change over time. You can nip, snip and tuck, but your body will continue to get older.

Instead of focusing on what you look like, focus on being healthy…and this applies for EVERYONE.

Being in shape and eating healthy is what it is all about…the end result of a bangin’ body (and better sex life) should only be a bonus factor!

In the meantime, don’t criticize yourself when you look in the mirror. All that does is hamper your self-confidence and it makes you want to give up. Negativity is not motivational. Instead, tell yourself how proud you are of yourself for _________ (fill the the blank with “going to the gym”, “eating a healthy meal”, etc.)

Keep your chin up! You’re a champ, not a chimp!

Okay, well maybe being THIS chimp wouldn’t be so bad.

HiYa! Karate Chop!

 

written by: Tristan Skye

BOOK RELEASED: “Natural Transitioning: an FTM alternative”

Since 2008, a growing number of FTMs have stumbled upon an alternative founded by Tristan & Sicily Skye. This alternative plan allows transmen to naturally increase the testosterone their bodies already are producing with a 3-step plan including:

1. Supplements
2. Diet
3. Weight Training

Natural Transitioning has helped out many guys who are waiting to start Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), who are unable to do HRT, or who want an alternative option to HRT.

The book emphasizes the need to seek a physicians care the same as anyone doing the HRT method.

The book is released today via Lulu.com. You can purchase a paperback copy or an online edition.

100 pages filled with information, photos and even a bonus recipe section!
Click HERE to purchase your copy today!

Hunting the job market and TRANSGENDER?

The job market being what it is, with a reported ten percent unemployment rate in Atlanta (that figure representing ten percent of the population drawing unemployment benefits- discounting those whose benefits have run out, or those who don’t draw unemployment) that means that competition for jobs is a bit fierce right now.  And employers know it- they are picking and choosing whom they hire, taking only the creme de la creme.  A recent study showed that most employers immediately discount anyone who has been unemployed for six months as an undesirable.  You obviously aren’t a desirable commoddity if you haven’t caught an employer’s eye in six months.

So where does that leave the trans community?  Those of us with passing issues face a number of hurdles in the job market already, and with employers quick to fire and reluctant to hire for the reasons of public image, HR issues and what they percieve to be ‘hassles’ in hiring the transgendered.  And even those who pass just fine may have issues with documentation, legal hurdles where everything is going along swimmingly until the gender marker issue or the birth certificate comes into play.

So what’s a poor girl to do?  Because I speak in generalization, there is no story that I can tell nearly as well as my own, and my experience tends to create the filter through which I view the world.  Y’know, like yours.  So with that in mind, let’s examine my experiences and I can explain how I arrived at my current solution.

Step 1: LOSE YOUR JOB

If you are doing well and cooking along in a career in corporate America, then more power to ya.  It’s a fine feeling- a steady paycheck, benefits and security as you work today to build yourself a better tomorrow.  And then all of a sudden the rug can be pulled out from under you- be it corporate downsizing in a poor economy, the company simply shutting down, a buyout where the first step is to slash staff or interpersonal conflict with a boss whom you make uncomfortable *cough cough*.  But pack up your desk, because you’re out the door, beyotch, bye bye bye.

Step 2: THE HUNT FOR JOB OCTOBER

Hey, no problem, plenty of fish in the sea, plenty of places out there in the same business, and you have contacts- put it out over the web and tug a little, something is bound to turn up in short order, just bide your time and feel people out and something will turn around for sure.  Update that resume and brush up on those skills, and the bank account can carry you for a bit, right?

Step 3:  WHAT THE HELL

Now it has been months, and no interviews, people aren’t returning your calls and you are really starting to sniff your armpits and wonder if maybe you haven’t got a trio of sixes branded on your forehead.  You’ve already started padding your resume and filling in that you JUST lost that job, not six months ago- after all, you know the company’s policy is to just give out the information that you worked there, period.  So you’re keeping hope alive as you go ahead and cash in the 401K- no biggie, rebuild it later, just keep paying the mortgage and putting food on the table for now.  Oh, and somehow you’ve put on 15 pounds, which makes everything better, right?  Yay.

Step 4:  WHAT THE F%$K?!?

Okay, now you have been out of work for so long you really are feeling like a leper.  Fast food jobs won’t touch you, clerk jobs won’t touch you- hell, you can’t rember the last interview.  The savings have run tight and the ebay store is actually a welcome relief income.  Depression has definitely set in and you are starting to think about answering one of those “Make $300 a day from home!” spam ads in your filter,  Your friends commisserate, yet nobody has a lead.  Your worries about the future have moved from “I’m sure something will turn up soon” to “Are we going to lose everything?”

Step 5: CHANGE THE RULES OF THE GAME

This is when you finally accept that for whatever reason, the cosmos has decided that you don’t rate a break.  Fifteen years in your old career?  So what.  Now you are overqualified, you cost too much and “oh my gawd I think that was a man in a dress” doesn’t even factor in anymore because the few and far between interviews that you have had resulted in good handshakes and feelings all around, but the cherry-picking of employers means that you aren’t being hired.  It’s time to try something else, and this is where you start investigating technical schools.  “Become a motorcycle mechanic!  Learn to be an accountant!  ITT Tech wants you!  Welding is in high deamnd right now!  Investigate an exciting career in comestology!”

A little research yields the information that student loans and grants are actually quite available these days, and sure enough, there are a number of career fields where being trans isn’t really much of an issue.  A tough mechanic chick who looks a little burly turning a wrech becomes a turnon rather than a liability.  A tall hairdresser with big hands and a winning personality is popular in any salon.  The little stout welder guy is handy to fit into those small repair spaces.  And there is a surprising amount of money to be made in those fields.

So therein hangs the lesson for today’s column; if you find the deck stacked against you and the rules of the game are getting you down, don’t keep trying the same thing expecting different results- that’s the very definition of insanity.  Instead, change the game and change the rules.  Find a new career field that suits you, get some loans- and with your name change, you might be surprised that suddenly you are elligible for all sorts of loans and grants now that you may previously have been cut off from.  Do your research, see how much money is out thre, and find a new niche to go with your new life.

After all, with all of the changes happening inside and outside of you, why not change the environment of your career as well, to match?  Because there’s nothing like a good transition and a fresh start!

Written by: Sabrina Pandora

Switching a Gene in Adult Mice Easily Transforms Females Into Males

 The technology might allow for mid-life human sex changes with no surgery

Apparently men and women are not that different after all. In fact, the sexes are so similar that women have to fight their entire lives just to remain women — at least on the genetic level.

A new study finds that turning off just one gene, shared by all mammals, turns ovarian cells into testosterone-producing cells found only in the testes — and this is in adults.

In the study, published in the new issue of the journal Cell, researchers knocked out a female-promoting gene in adult female mice. The FoxL2 gene works by suppressing a male gene. When FoxL2 is switched off, the male gene, called Sox9, takes over, sending signals that turn ovarian cells into cells normally found only in the testes. The female mice produced as much testosterone as male mice, about 100 times higher than the concentrations normally found in females. Essentially, the ovaries turn into testes.

Minnie or Mickey? Roger McLassus via Wikimedia

A mouse with this gene manipulation is able to produce male sex hormones, but is infertile, the researchers say.

The findings suggest that maintenance of womanhood, or at least of the ovarian phenotype, is an active process throughout life, according to the researchers. The constant struggle between female and male genes could help explain changes like facial hair and a deeper voice among post-menopausal women, for instance. It could also illuminate genetic issues in transsexual people, perhaps explaining why some seek gender-reassignment surgery.

Co-author Robin Lovell-Badge, from the Medical Research Council’s National Institute of Medical Research in north London, told the Independent newspaper that the therapy could provide an alternative to those surgeries.

“It’s still very speculative, but it’s possible that this approach could produce an alternative to surgery and the removal of gonads — ovaries and testes,” Lovell-Badge said.

The gene is shared among mammals, so it’s not related to the rise of intersex fish throughout the U.S. Gender transformation is common among some fish species, and even the unusual increase in intersex black bass can be attributed to synthetic human hormones in the water supply, rather than a genetic change.

While it appears easy to genetically transform female mice into males, the study does not discuss going the other way. But in humans, a male-to-female surgical operation is somewhat simpler than a female-to-male operation, according to a 1996 study from the British Journal of Sexual Medicine. The relatively small body of research on the subject also suggests male-to-female operations are more common than female-to-male operations. The gene knockout could be a simpler method for female-to-male transformation.

Via Independent

Want More Hair? Awaken Dormant Follicles

Around ten years ago or so, having facial hair was something more of an embarrassment than something I embraced. I was pre-transitioning, living as “female” and all the bleaching and waxing became more and more a pain in the butt.

I was embarrassed because my natural state of being “hairy” was looked down upon by my female cohorts.  Women are supposed to be hairless (society would like to make you think) and I certainly bore my Italian ethnicity…with not much pride.

In attempts to help boost my self esteem, my mother offered to pay for treatments of electrolysis and then, eventually, laser light hair removal. Even with over $1,000 down the drain, I still had facial hair.

A few years later when I came to terms with my gender identity, I was VERY thankful I didn’t kill off all of the hair follicles and there were feisty survivors that remained.

I’m telling my story, because there might be others out there with similar experiences. Some things that were a social taboo living as “female” are now praised as we live as “male”.

I have been blessed in my ability to grow facial hair naturally, yet it is not as thick as I would like and it is not all over my face. I realized some hair follicles were killed in my previous attempts at “hair death” and I shrugged it off for a long time as an, “Oh, well! Atleast they aren’t all dead!.”

In late fall of 2010, I had a friend mention that he was using minoxidil. He had great success applying it to his face twice daily with a Q-tip. I decided to finally give it a try.

At first, I noticed that it seemed to discolor my hair, lightening it. It also made the hair fall out and be thinner at the first few weeks to a month. Then, I noticed a gradual shift forward as the hair seemed to re-thicken back up. Yet, I never experienced any major changes over a period of 4 months or more. I also only applied it once daily.

This morning I was thinking about my past hair removal and decided to do some research on it.

I found out some VERY interesting information!

I read that per square inch of the body you have a minimum of 1,000 hair follicles. The problem is that most of them lay dormant, meaning they stay “asleep” and do not produce hair. When you get electrolysis, they remove an average of 5 – 100 hairs per square inch of active follicles, so even when they are killed, you still have all of those dormant follicles remaining. (read all about it).

I then researched laser light treatment and it stated it only works 80% of the time and usually the hair remains gone for a long period of time, but usually not forever. (read all about it).

I decided to see if there was a way to “awaken” these dormant hair follicles and I found out…there is! (read all about it).

Tamoxifen (generic version known as Nolvadex) is an anti-estrogen steroid.

Now, that is one word that makes my eyebrow raise…steroid? Hmm. It appears that you can buy it as a pill (more pills? ewww!) OR a topical cream (BINGO!). It is primarily used to reduce breast cancer in female patients. (read all about it).

Am I going to try this? I’m not sure. I am not one to “try” things that affect my body until I do plenty of research. My health is #1.

I’m putting this out there for guys just so they know, all we have to do is somehow “awaken” these dormant follicles and PRESTO CHANGO, we can have a full 5 o’clock shadow over time!

Here are some mobile phone photos of me I took this morning showing my chin hair and sideburns.

My sideburns do grow past my earlobes, but I keep them trimmed for a more professional look. I also have hair just below my lower lip.

Leave comments if you find more research!!!

Happy hair growing, fellas!

Written by TRISTAN “SHIMMER” SKYE

Comics are NICE, but TRANS Comics are even BETTER!

TQ Citizen, Sam from New Zealand, has launched a fun and creative blog called “Rooster Tails” that depicts comics of he and his partner’s transition from female to male.

We love comics, so we teamed up with Sam and will post some of his comics every now and again on our *Shimmer, Shimmer* blog!