Power & Control: How (not) to be a Man

Time to get a grip on how we react.

In just a few moments of your time today, I would like to help you redefine your perception of how we should be as men…to our partners, families, friends, workplace and community. To some, this will not be an epiphany as they read along. To others, I hope it opens your eyes.

Recently, I was provided a list of actions that are considered “abusive” behavior. As I scanned the list, I was amazed at some of the items…considering, most people I know would be abusive per this list. I then saw a bigger picture and reality. If the majority of us do things that hurt others, the effect we are having on them always finds a way to come back full circle.

“Life is like an echo. What we send out, always comes right back.” – Chinese Proverb

 

I am personally guilty of some of these abusive behaviors. I have nothing to hide and I hope you can learn some things from my own experiences.

We do not think of ourselves as abusers because we JUSTIFY or MINIMIZE our actions due to the actions of the other person. What we need to realize is WE CANNOT CHANGE our partners, we can only change ourselves and be accountable for what WE do. It doesn’t matter if they are calling you names, you don’t have to call names back. I have come to a point in life where I think that those who fight the hardest to win an argument are truly the biggest losers.

We as men need to create SAFETY, not have a persona of stopping whatever behavior threatens our “authority” – we see aggression as being a natural part of being a man, and that our “superior status” gives us the right to use that aggression to dominate and control women..and others.

DO NOT BLAME YOUR T-SHOTS. Be accountable for your actions. I have been on T now for 5 months and I have not once blamed anything I have said or done on T. Do I feel more assertive? Sure! Yet, that is no excuse or justification to be an asshole.

We need to be loving, supportive and respectful. We need to be self-less, not selfish in our motives, thoughts and actions. We need to have integrity and be role models to our future generations.

It is NOT okay to lose our cool and have short fuses. I have been practicing this while driving. Where I live is NUTS with traffic and most people that live here shouldn’t have a drivers license. Lately, when someone cuts me off and I feel the urge to wave my Italian arm in the air and yell out, “You stupid idiot!!!!”, I now honk my horn and keep my mouth shut. Oh, and I have stopped honking my horn for, like, 5 minutes at the person. I had a wonderful habit of doing that. I’d get really fired up and lay on my horn for an uncomfortable amount of time. FACT: I have cut people off and most of the time it has been unintentional and I felt awful about it. Who’s to say these people just didn’t see me? We are human. We make mistakes. We need to realize this, stop stressing out, and move on.

FOR HEALTH’S SAKE:

High stress increases your blood pressure, increases cortisol (hormone that adds tummy fat), and makes your body more at risk to be unhealthy. Stress is not healthy. It is the precursor for many horrible things you don’t want.

To top that off, when we react instead of respond, we put the other person’s health at risk.

KIDS WILL BE KIDS?

You can listen in on a typical day at the playground and hear kids bullying other kids who aren’t aggressive or dominant and show more signs of passivity. They pick on them and call them all sorts of names like “faggot”, “wuss”, “p*ssy”, to demoralize them. Notice, most names these young boys are called usually relate to women. It is ingrained early on that for a man to be thought of in any way as a woman is degrading. *Just wanted to point that out*

I remember when I was a child, yelling and screaming TERRIFIED me. It made me feel scared inside and I wanted to go hide. As I grew up…I then adopted that behavior and felt like the louder I could get, the more I would be heard. I just really wanted to make sure I was heard and understood and even felt my reasoning was completely justified and rational. In turn, I wasn’t listening to the other person. I heard very little, made my assumptions and then defended my own reality and perception.

Why am I disclosing my own dirt? Because it is dirt MANY people have and I’m doing a complete makeover with the new revelations I have been receiving and it is time for all of us to clean up our lives so we can truly live and not be overshadowed by deception of how we should be as men.

I want to respect others, listen to them and value their feelings as I value my own. I want to respond calmly to things that usually strike a nerve and irritate me. I want to bite my tongue when I feel “triggered” and only respond in a loving way, or walk away until I can. I want to be the best husband and father I possibly can be.

HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE

It is just a fact. People who are hurt, hurt others. And when you are hurting, you are so wrapped up in your own hurt that you fail to realize there is another person right in front of you that is also hurting. We have this reptilian brain of “flight or fight” and forget to pass through the passive pathway of “cognitive thinking” and take the quick pit stop of “REACTION” … which is never the right exit to get off at. Most of the time we react, it is out of our own hurt and fear. Usually, when you feel something intense in a not-so-nice-way, you are either going to cry, lash out, or retreat.

I feel the time has come for men to embrace a sense of self in which they can provide safe environments and validation of others.

Lastly, I am providing you with the list I was given recently. Some of these are extreme, some might surprise you.

Violent and Controlling Behavior Checklist
Physical Violence
____ Slap, punch, grab, kick, choke, push, restrain, pull hair, pinch, bite
____ Rape (use of force, threats to get sex)
____ Use of weapons, throwing things, keeping weapons around which scare her
____ Abuse of furniture, things in the home, pets, destroying her things
____ Intimidation (standing in the doorway during arguments, angry or threatening gestures, use of size to intimidate, standing over her, outshouting, driving recklessly)
____ Uninvited touching
____ Threats (verbal or nonverbal, direct or indirect)
____ Harassment (uninvited visits or calls, following her around, checking up on her, embarrassing her in public, not leaving when asked)
____ Isolation (preventing or making it hard for her to see/talk to friends, relatives, others)
____ Other (please list)

Psychological and Economic Abuse
____ Yelling, swearing, being lewd, raising your voice, using angry expressions or gestures
____ Criticism (name-calling, swearing, mocking, put-downs, ridicule, accusations, blaming, use of trivializing words or gestures)
____ Pressure Tactics (rushing her to make decisions, using guilt/accusations, sulking, threatening to withhold financial support, manipulating children, abusing feelings)
____ Interrupting, changing topics, not listening, not responding, twisting her words, going on and on
____ Economic coercion (withholding money, the car, or other resources; sabotaging her attempts to work)
____ Claiming “the truth,” being the authority, defining her behavior, using “logic”
____ Lying, withholding information, infidelity (having sex with others)
____ Using pornography (e.g., magazines, movies, strip shows, home videos, etc.)
____ Withholding help on childcare/housework; not doing your share or following through on your agreements
____ Emotional withholding (not expressing feelings, not giving support, validation, attention, compliments, respect for her feelings, rights, and opinions)
____ Not taking care of yourself (not asking for help or support from friends, abusing drugs or alcohol, being a “people-pleaser”)
____ Other forms of manipulation (please list)

(Adapted from EMERGE, Boston, Massachusetts)

“Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing.”

STEALTH: Undercover Transgender Brother

The STEALTH decision

One thing I have learned is that you can never speak for a group as a whole. Our opinions and thoughts might not be shared…and that is okay. That is the beauty of what makes us all unique individuals.

This post is about being stealth. What is “stealth”, you might ask? It is where one chooses to not disclose their transition to the outside world (ie: work, school, etc.)

Obviously, you can never escape your transition from certain people; however, some choose to live and blend into our surroundings, much like a chameleon.

Some argue, “you must be ashamed of who you are!” Yet, I beg to differ. We unfortunately live in a world that is infiltrated by bigotry, ignorance, hate and defiance. Some of us have spent years being ridiculed for the “choices” they made in their lives. Some of us just want a break.

While others will debate the “stealth” decision by saying, “you are choosing not to educate others, you are not an advocate, an activist”…I say, “don’t judge.”

ENDA to END Discrimination

What is right for you isn’t always right for someone else. We do not always feel the same, have had the same situations or same responses. Some families embrace their children, while others shun them. Some companies welcome us with open arms, while others can attest to being unemployed for years and not given the opportunity, simply based on one thing: they are transgender.

And, guess what? There isn’t a law to protect us. ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act) is a proposed bill to protect us; yet, it is still waiting to be approved by the United States Congress.

“ENDA has been introduced in every Congress since 1994 (except the 109th) while previous employment anti-discrimination legislation has been proposed since 1974.^[1] The bill gained its best chance at passing after the Democratic Party broke twelve years of Republican Congressional rule in the 2006 midterm elections. In 2007, gender identity protections were added to the legislation for the first time ever. However, some sponsors believed that even with a Democratic majority, ENDA did not have enough votes to pass the House of Representatives with transgender inclusion, and dropped it from the bill, which passed and subsequently died in the Senate. LGBT advocacy organizations, and the community, were divided over support of the changed bill.

In 2009, on the heels of the 2008 elections that strengthened the Democratic majority, and after the divisiveness of the 2007 debate, a transgender-inclusive ENDA was introduced by House representative Barney Frank. Frank reintroduced the bill in 2011. Shortly thereafter, the bill was introduced in the Senate by Jeff Merkley.

Transgender people may experience higher rates of discrimination than the LGB population. A survey of transgender and gender non-conforming people Conducted by the National Center for Transgender Equality found 90 percent of respondents experienced harassment, mistreatment or discrimination on the job or took actions like hiding who they are to avoid it.^[5] In comparison, a review of studies conducted by the Williams Institute in 2007 found that transgender people experienced employment discrimination at a rate 15 to 57 percent.^[6]” (credit: wikipedia)

BULLYING

One thing we are all familiar with is bullying. Even if we haven’t personally been a victim, we probably know someone who has. Recently, an FTM friend of mine living in San Francisco was a victim and beaten severely.

“More than half of transgender or gender non-conforming people who experienced bullying or harassment have attempted suicide, according to a recently released study.

“From our experience working with transgender people, we had prepared ourselves for high rates of suicide attempts, but we didn’t expect anything like this,” said Mara Keisling, Executive Director of the National Center for Transgender Equality. “Our study participants reported attempting suicide at a rate more than 25 times the national average.”

Rates of attempted suicide rose dramatically — to 59 percent — when the victim’s teacher or professor was the perpetrator of bullying or harassment. Among those who had been physically assaulted by a teacher or professor, 76 percent reported having attempted suicide.” (credit)

MURDER

For the year 2011, there was a reported 221 victims that were murdered based on their gender identity. How many more occurred that were left unreported? (see 8 of the victims here)

REALITY CHECK

By this point, you are most likely shaking your head and thinking, “gee, Tristan, this sure is depressing!”

Yes, it is quite depressing. Yet, it is a reality.

I have personally won “Best Transgender Activist” for the years 2009, 2010 and 2011 by the readers of GA Voice. I was voted one of the 50 most influential people in our community by the readers of Fenuxe magazine in 2010. (click here)

Am I gloating? Hardly. While my claims of being a Trans Warrior and Advocate are very true, I sit at my desk in a conservative company STEALTH.

Am I ashamed of being Tristan Skye? Not at all. If anything, I’m more proud of the “Skye” part of me than anything else. But, the private part of me, sits here proud of who I am and happy, yes HAPPY, to be here and be seen for exactly who I am. A man. A smart, witty guy who happens to be very creative and good at what I do. A guy who is married with a newborn son.

Why don’t I wave the transgender flag proudly at my desk? I don’t have to. I do my part and educate others even while stealth. I defend our community and have actually been surprised to hear many of my conservative co-workers be in favor of things like gay marriage. I have been an advocate, undercover. That is how I see myself. I’m like an undercover agent.

To fact is, I worked hard scholastically to get to where I am today. I was “out” at every job prior to this one. My previous job, I went from “F” to “M” and they had to learn to change pronouns.

Upon being hired at my current place of employment, I had to contact ALL previous employers and tell them about my transition and that I am now legally and medically “male.” I even had to call that one boss from hell that mocked me and was condescending while I worked under him.

YES, I enjoy being one of the guys. I enjoy the experience of passing. For me, that was what I dreamed about. I can’t say I ever wanted to feel “normal” because I realize…WHAT is normal? WHO is normal? I know what the majority of society THINKS is normal…but, I agree that normal is boring. I’m not normal. Even being stealth…I’m NOT normal. I couldn’t be normal even if I tried.

I have gone to great lengths to have my outside match my inside. I have changed my name, undergone surgery, had my sex marker changed on every document, including my birth certificate…gotten legally married and am the legal father of my son.

I went from the aggravating world of being called “she”, “her” and “ma’am” to “he”, “him” and “sir.”

I have went from low self esteem to high self esteem.

I would NEVER deny my past if asked. Yet, I don’t provide that information when it comes to my work. I don’t drive around with a car that says “Tranny Inside” on it.

If anyone EVER said anything negative about our community, I would immediately jump in to defend and educate.

I know some of you might disagree with what I have chosen for my life. But, as I don’t disapprove of your life, I ask you respect how I feel. I do not stand alone in our community with the decision I have personally made.

I actually feel like I’m “half” stealth. Half of my life is undercover, so to speak, and the other half is as if Hurricane Tranz is coming through! Look out!

Yet, I don’t feel like I’m being any less of ME. I feel honest and true with myself everywhere I am and go. I’m not ashamed, I am protective. I have had plenty of HATERS in my lifetime, I can assure you. I have had death threats and wishes put on me by those “disgusted” by who I am and what I represent. Do I stop what I do in the community? NEVER. Bring it on!

To those of you who wear your pride on your sleeve 24/7…thank you! You are rebels with a cause and stand up with pride at all times, ready and armed to defend our Trans community. Some of you choose to never legally change your names and/or sex markers to make a point for others to always know your roots and who you are and what you’re all about. That definitely is bold and brave and I think that takes strength to purposefully be a pillar of education and advocacy at all times. And, for some of you, you could totally go stealth, yet you would never do it.

For some others, they have gone stealth and I can’t even find them anymore. It’s like they have disappeared. They moved away, most likely, and started over fresh and brand new.

Me? I’m happy just where I’m at. I’m happy with my life. I’m happy being me. I still wish some things could be different, but I know everything I go through only makes me grow and become a stronger person. I still have struggles. I still have bad days. I’m human.

Because I’m human, I have the privilege of personal choice. I would never deny another their rights, and I ask you all to never deny someone else’s personal choice. From no-ho to ho, from surgery to no surgery, from gender queer to transgender…the whole purpose of this is to be TRUE to ourselves and find that peace and happiness that our soul desires.

You are my family. The family that has always loved, supported and accepted me. I could NEVER leave my family behind…and, I promise, I never will.

Newt Gingrich…Be a MAN! DOMA is a CROCK!

Yeah, Newt, use your BRAIN!

This morning as I was driving in wee early hours, watching the windshield wipers blur my vision, I was listening to talk radio and heard something that made my ears perk up.

They were talking about Newt Gingrich apologizing to Evangelical Christians for his extra-marital affairs. His reasoning? He did it because of his “allegiance to the flag”, suggesting his “long hours” serving the Nation led him down the dark road of sexual temptation. Give me a break, Newt! Be a MAN…own up and take full responsibility for your actions instead of making excuses and blaming it on something else! (read all about it).

“Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich has claimed that he had an affair with a colleague because he was working too hard.

The twice-divorced Republican politician was married to his second wife Ginther when he embarked on an affair in the mid-90s with blonde Castilla Bisek who is 23-years his junior.

Gingrich was at the time an outspoken critic of President Bill Clinton who had a notorious affair with 22-year-old White House intern Monical Lewinsky.”

Here we have a politician who serves our country in his THIRD marriage and who fully supports DOMA. What’s that, you ask? DOMA is the Defense of Marriage Act that President Bill Clinton (yeah, him!) signed back in the 90′s which keeps marriage between a man and a woman.

In 1998, I wrote my English 101 college term paper on same-sex marriage. I had to research BOTH sides and even back then I saw what a big crock it was.

You have people who have had numerous marriages, countless affairs, telling other people that love each other they can’t get married because they are the same sex?

I heard a great quote once where someone said, “How about we tell them if we can’t get married, then they can’t get divorced.”

Even as a married trans man, I still am irked to no end by the ignorance and hypocrisy of this as I look to my brothers and sisters who are deeply in love, have been a couple for years, and still are refused legal marriage.

Some opposite-sex straight couples refuse to take the plunge until there is marriage equality, like musicians Tristan Prettyman and Jason Mraz. They are not alone, either.

Yes, today I’m on my soapbox! I’m P.O.ed that a drunk guy can marry a stripper in Vegas and wake up the next day and not even remember it, let alone know each other’s names! That’s marriage they are trying to DEFEND? Where’s the “sanctity” in that?!?

If you want to defend marriage and make sure there is sanctity in it – make ALL couples undergo 6 months of marriage counseling prior to marriage and have it signed off by a qualified official!

Other countries are WAY ahead of us, even the Canadians! Yet, the US of “Nay” remains in the dark ages due to people holding us back.

Oh! And I’m going to go there…guess what other minority votes AGAINST gay marriage? African Americans! People who know first-hand what it’s like to be treated like a second-class citizen. Am I comparing the civil rights movement to the gay rights movement? NO. I’m comparing the fact that minorities should atleast have the decency to stand up for one another.

Ignorance and FEAR is what breeds HATE. I have read plenty of comments directed to myself and even my wife telling us, “I hope you die of AIDS” ( and in reference to being Transgender) “That’s scary!” First off, I guess they think we’re running around having unprotected sex with random people and that’s how we will get AIDS? They don’t “get it” that we are a married couple in a monogamous relationship. But, the part that get’s me is the “scary” part. They are SCARED of what they don’t understand and instead of educating themselves, it’s easier for them to cower down and say a hateful comment to ease their “petrified” little minds.

Last time I checked, those who say cruel things remind me of elementary school kids who haven’t reached a maturity level to speak with intelligence and have enough self-control to contain their feelings, instead of igniting malicious behavior.

BACK to the subject at hand…President Obama isn’t my favorite guy who ever slept in the White House, but he has made some progressive changes for the GLBTQ community. Recently, he would not resign DOMA saying it was unconstitutional, so I’m hoping marriage equality will be around the corner! (read all about it). I want to be able see my best friends share the legal freedom to love each other and commit the rest of their lives.

Newt Gingrich suggested impeachment of President Obama over the DOMA issue stating, “President Obama overstepped his constitutional bounds when he announced he would no longer defendDefense of Marriage Act in court.” (read all about it).

New York also recently passed a law that allows Transgender couples to marry without conflict, another step in the right direction. As it stands now, there is a lot of footwork, legal changes, surgery and more in order to be able to legally get married if you are Transgender. (read all about it).

*deep breath*

I needed to vent and appreciate you listening to me. NEVER stop fighting for your rights. NEVER take less than what you deserve.

Written by TRISTAN “SHIMMER” SKYE
President and Co-Founder of TQ Nation

REWARDS WHERE DUE

Sabrina Pandora

So here of late transwomen have taken a bit of a beating in the news, it seems.  There was the SNL “Estro-Maxx” skit which featured bearded guys in dresses mocking the hormone treatment of transsexuals.  Hey, lookie there, what a surprise, here we are again- the punchline of a joke.  Ha ha,  Look at the funny bearded men in dresses growing breasts.  They aren’t making much of an effort, just growing boobs and wearing dresses, and it’s funny because that’s what MtF transsexuals are, see?.  It am funny, am it not?

Yeah.  Belittling the struggle of transsexuals is super funny, so long as you view them as something other than, yannow, human.  I know.  We’re oversensitive and need to grow a sense of humor.  Here, have a laugh on me.

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/estro-maxx/1279560/

Again, I have to point out… if it was a commercial about taking a drug to make black people become more white, would it still be funny?  Watching them wearing hip hop clothes with perhaps some awful plaid Bermuda shorts and white knee socks?

So then we move on to The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.  Craig loves the gays.  Craig is sensitive to the gays and their plight.  So that’s why we get his “half-sister” played by a bearded hairy man in a skirt named “Peg”.  We get jokes about his naughty bits being on display while he sits there in a skirt with his legs open, he gets called a “he-she”, and it’s all oh so funny, isn’t it?  So long as being a transsexual is a joke, then you betcha.  It’s freaking hilarious.  Here, look for yourself.

Oh yeah, that was a barrel of laughs right there.  But is it really a serious problem?  To answer this, I think that Meghan Stabler, a member of the board of directors of the HRC of all places managed to sum it up best.

“We should all be shocked and appalled with what was coming out in the
current narrative of comedy. The lives of gay and lesbian people are
being woven into the fabric of TV shows such as GLEE and Modern
Family. Even though we have a long way to go before full rights are
afforded to us, we can still be shown as equals to our peers. Comedy’s
ability to mock that part of our community has significantly lessened,
but has it done so at the risk of emphasizing the focus on the
transgender community?

I think it has, and it needs to stop.

To many of us who have journeyed along the deeply emotional and
stressful path to transition our gender, the parody and acting
portraits were utterly offensive. Hidden behind and along that journey
is significant stress, deep emotion, extreme risk and even worse –
suicide or homicide.

To live our lives authentically takes deep courage mirrored with the
real fears and deep-rooted societal prejudices that all too often
manifest themselves as workplace bigotry, un- and under-employment,
loss of family and friends, and most unfortunately, harassment and
homicides.

Some will likely argue that the portrayal was humorous, a joke, but in
true comedy there is always a punchline. Unfortunately for this one,
and for us, there was no punchline, unless you regard transition as a
joke and therefore transgender people as a human punchline. In doing
so, the comic must also understand that in conveying it as humorous
comes the risk that sometimes transgender people will be the punching
bag.”

But then we get to the Living Social Super Bowl commercial.

Now, at first, I wanted to sigh and call it yet another cheap shot at our expense.

But then I started looking at it and considering it.

The big burly lumberjack starts getting great deals.  They open his horizons.  He moves fluidly from one experience to the next, exploring life and tasting the sweetness of it until finally we see him as a transwoman, elegant, well-dressed, hair done up nicely, makeup just right for the occasion.  She appears to be happy, confident and in control of her life.  She comments that Living Social helped her blossom, and changed her life.  And it could change yours too.

There is no mean, harsh jab here.  There is no belittlement, no human punchline.  There is no lack of a joke if you are trans.  Only a montage of the journey of one man to discover all that life has to offer and exploring what he wants from it and who he wants to be… and eventually finding herself.  It is a transwoman being shown with dignity… yes, with some humor, but it is still better treatment of the condition than I think I’ve seen in a very long time.

We are quick to come to the forefront and say when we are angry.  When we see oppression, we jump to the defense, because people need to understand that it is wrong, and that we will not sit quietly and be mocked.  We are human beings and deserve respect.  Yes, we are quick to fight, because it is still so much a part of who we are, and who we must be in a world where we have so few rights and we are fifth class citizens.

But let us not be so confrontational as to forget to take the time to thank those who see that struggle and turn a kind and even eye to it for us.  To those who might show us in a kinder and nobler light.  To those who may see us not as a joke, but instead as brave and courageous explorers of the human experience.  When someone takes the time to show us in such a light, let us take that same time that we would to vociferously defend ourselves, and instead thank those who see us as people.

So thank you, Living Social.  Thank you for painting us in a positive light.  Thank you for not making us a punchline in an unfunny joke.

Thank you for seeing and portraying us as human beings.

Written by TQ Nation Contributor:
Sabrina Pandora

Macho Men & The Femme Factor

Sabrina Pandora

I’ve noticed that there seems to be a bit of a division in the trans community, such as it were.  I thought I’d take today to comment on it.

Y’see, there are certain inequalities that exist in the trans community.  Well, let’s be honest, there are a lot of them, but today we’re going to examine one so that I can move on to my point.  And that inequality is in passing.

Between transmen and transwomen there is a very, very clear division on this, and it has been pretty accepted, so I don’t feel as though I am overstepping my bounds in making this observation.  Transmen have an easier time of it when it comes to passing than transwomen, at least on casual inspection.  After all, a short haircut, men’s clothes, a binder and a little bit of swagger can go a long ways.  Add a little facial hair to that equation and very few people really question what’s under there.  They are far more likely to jump to the conclusion ‘gay man’ then they are ‘trans man’.

But for transwomen it is usually a whole lot harder.  Trying to dress up a Y chromosome in a pretty package and make it look X so that society won’t freak out, discriminate and laugh at you is a whole lot harder.  This is arguable, but again, I’m pretty sure that I’m on target here.

So with that logical assumption made, we move on to my next observation, which is segregation between the gender fences in the trans community.  How often do you see transmen and transwomen hanging out together?  Seems pretty seldom.  Transwomen and transmen flock together all right (so long as the trans women are all either unpassable or uncaring- but that’s a column for another time).  But the intermingling just doesn’t seem to happen.  Now why is that?

Observation has told me that it is the Passing Prejudice.  The rule that says that if you are trans and you spend time with someone who does not pass well enough, then you are instead making yourself suspect as well and bringing down your own passability.  Now, mind you, this rule also applies to straights who hang out with non-passable transfolk, but somehow it usually doesn’t bother them as much.  Go figure.

Because as mentioned earlier, transmen often pass reasonably easily, whereas transwomen do not.  So in order to keep themselves from being ‘read’, they avoid their opposite numbers when they can, and certainly don’t make a habit of socializing with them.  Besides, there is that not-so-vague and not-so-quiet notion that has been circulated that transmen somehow view their sisters in transition as somehow idiotic and ridiculous.  As they are working so hard to distance themselves from stereotypically feminine behavior, habits and lifestyle, transwomen are often rushing headlong to embrace it, some at a breakneck pace.  It just makes no sense to many transmen, and much like so many activists look at the overblown drag queens on floats in parades and shake their heads that these are their representatives to the community and how they are viewed by the world at large, so too do the transmen look at the 50 year old transwoman in the too-short vinyl skirt and six inch heels and fishnet top and bra with a bedraggled wig and sigh.

But there’s something that they are missing out on, and I think that it is important enough to mention and shed a little light upon.

You see, transwomen are a huge resource for transmen that are being largely ignored.  Yes, they do tend to have their idiosyncrasies and they do have their moments, but there is a simple fact that most transmen seem to overlook when considering them.  You see, transmen, particularly when they are first starting out, do not usually have an understanding of the nuances of masculine society.  They do not understand the subtle body language, the power of a nod up or down when passing another man, the difference in the way that a self-confident man walks versus an angry man or an effeminate man.

Sure, we can argue all day about the definitions of masculinity and how it is up to the individual to define that for themselves.  You betcha, that is quite true.  But the reality of the situation is that while society has some pretty preset and concrete ideas of what is femininity, it has even stronger ideas about masculinity.  And they are very simple, very basic and very, very concrete.

And transwomen know them better than anyone else in the world.

Why?  Because they did not come naturally to them… they had to learn to emulate those masculine behaviors and adhere to those masculine codes in order to learn to survive in the society that they never chose, but was thrust upon them.  Crossing your legs the right way, keeping those hand gestures tight and firm, portraying the acceptable emotional states… all of these things and so many more are all something that transwomen had to learn, because for so many of them, it did not come naturally.  They had to ape the men around them, and often through ridicule and hazing did they find what was acceptable.

So when they encounter transmen, here is a golden opportunity.  Any transwoman who had to unlearn behaviors and body language could potentially make a fantastic tutor for transmen who are trying to hone their own masculine behaviors.  Just as walking in heels takes practice and comes with a learning curve, so too does walking in sneakers as a guy, or cowboy boots.  Women walk with their elbows in, one of the keys of feminine body language, whereas men bow their elbows out to take up more space and appear larger.  Women run their fingers through their hair one way, men do it another.  Seldom will you see a woman rubbing the scruff of her chin while thinking, whereas men seldom play with their lower lip when in thought.

All of these subtle nuances that could be transferred… lost.  And I imagine that there is some teaching to go in the other direction too, but on that I can’t speak… after all, I know a few transmen in passing, but I can’t say that I am close friends with a single one.  Why?  Because I am a transwoman.  I am high femme, and I’ve yet to meet a transman who thought I had a single solitary thing to offer him, forget about actually befriending me and spending time around me.  And apparently in this I am not alone, as I poll other transwomen that I know, and find that while we know others of our own estrogen-fueled tribe, the testosterone tribe is unknown to us all.

So here’s the call to our brothers in transition… in many cases, we’re here, we know, and we can be an invaluable resource for you if you can get over stubborn pride and seek us out.  We spent years pretending to be men, so we know a bit about the subject of outward shows of masculinity.  Perhaps we might be able to help you become the man that you want to be… and perhaps you might be able to steer us away from floral prints and leather miniskirts.

 

Written by Sabrina Pandora

TQ Nation contributor

Health & Fitness: 10 tips to stay fit for life

If your New Year’s resolution is to lose weight, get healthy and stay fit, here are some tips to help you make it last more than a couple of months. These tips will help you keep your resolution for life!

1. Big Brother is watching. A food journal is the best way to keep track of your diet. It can also play the role of an accountability partner. At www.calorieking.com you can search food items to help you track down your daily intake and make sure you stay in check. Many smartphones have applications to help you keep track of calories, fat grams, carbs and more. One of these free apps is called “Lose It!” (www.loseit.com). Another fun app is “Foodpics Log” which uses your smartphone’s camera to capture what you really eat. Check out, tweetwhatyoueat.com, a free diary that lets you set up a Twitter-based food diary and track your weight and calorie intake. If you want even greater accountability, you can set up a profile on Body Space www.bodybuilding.com, track your progress, set goals and join in with others striving for the same goals. You can even find a group in your area that will help support you like the Weight Watchers group at ALHI (Atlanta Lesbian Health Initiative).
2. Cheat to beat defeat. Allow yourself one cheat meal per week. This does not suggest an entire day of McDelight, but make sure you reward yourself to one meal per week that consists of foods that you are not allowed in your new diet plan.
3. Drop the Yo-Yo. Think of it as a “lifestyle change” not a diet. It’s easy to fall prey to “yo-yo dieting” with all of the diet trends and fads out there. Most of them you cannot do for long-term, some of them even have risk-factors. Make sure to find a new style of eating that is healthy for the rest of your life. This can even include successful programs such as Weight Watchers, the Vegan RAW Diet or the Eat-Clean Diet. One great place to find “clean-eating” recipes is at www.hungry-girl.com.
4. Get Physical. Be active. Not everyone has the finances to join a gym or hire a personal trainer, but you have to make time. For a minimum of 30 minutes 3 days per week, schedule to be active. This could include jogging, yoga, pilates, rock climbing, kickboxing, riding your bike, Wii Fit, walking your dog or anything that helps get your heart pumping. Download the app for MapMyFitness.com or RunKeeper.com which uses your phone’s GPS and calculates how many calories you burned. Permanent marker physical activity on your planner and even if you don’t feel like it, do it anyway. The endorphins will actually help you feel better once you’re done exercising. You will feel even better yet when you fit into those incredible jeans a size or two smaller.
5. Just Breathe. Stress releases a steroid hormone called cortisol, produced by the adrenal gland. Cortisol is the nasty thing that invites Mr. Jiggles to move in to your mid-section. Meditation is an easy way to relax. Other ways include doing things you enjoy that are therapeutic; like art, writing, reading a book or listening to music. If you find your anxiety starting to increase, you can take deep breaths, holding it for a count of 3, then releasing for a count of 8. Another tip that is rather amusing is to “flick” yourself. Wear a rubber band and when you start to feel overwhelmed, pop the band and your body will immediately become distracted and alert the attention of your central nervous system elsewhere. When you are at work, make sure to take a break as often as allowed. Oh, hate to break this to you, but playing on the internet is not a stress reliever.
6. You snooze, you lose. Get adequate sleep every night. This is for minimum of 6 hours. If you have trouble catching your z’s, melatonin is a natural sleep aid that might assist you, instead of turning to medications that include long lists of side-effects. Sleeping allows your body to recover so you feel refreshed enough to tackle the next day. Too much sleep counteracts this philosophy, so try to keep your snooze at a maximum of 8 hours.
7. Do not play Scale Wars. Do not weigh yourself every day. Watching the numbers on the scale can sometimes make you feel like all efforts are lost. Even with dieting, our bodies can hold excess water on certain days, which make us feel bloated and will reflect on the scale. Another thing to keep in mind, the more muscle you develop can actually increase your weight since muscle weighs more than fat. I suggest doing body measurements and you will notice your weight loss by how your clothes fit. Keep track of your body mass index (BMI) and body composition: fat versus lean mass. Try not to step on the scale more than once per week and do it first thing in the morning. Preferably, without wearing clothes or shoes.
8. 8. Say Goodbye to Sugar High. Sugar is proven to be addictive. Your body will start to crave everything from ice cream to peanut butter cups. Choose natural sugar alternatives instead, like stevia, raw honey or agave nectar. Many products are also available that are “healthy sweet treats.” This will help curb your need to get that quick fix. Aim for no sugar added or sugar-free products.
9. 9. Recycle. Donate your clothes, once they outgrow you. Reward yourself with new clothes. A bargain way to do this is to shop at your neighborhood thrift store. Once you no longer own your bigger britches, you are motivated to stay on the fast-track to success as you sport your new lean-and-mean jeans!
10. 10. Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Last but not least, look in the mirror every day and tell yourself one positive thing about yourself. Even if you don’t believe it, speak it into existence. Daily affirmations provide you with positive energy to help motivate you, build your confidence and self-worth. You are getting healthy because you are worth it! You love yourself and it’s good to compliment yourself and have a little self-esteem a boost. On days you reach a goal, take yourself out on a special date. Spoil yourself!

BONUS TIP:

The Hangover (aka: beer belly). One way to add liquid calories and carbs faster than a speeding bullet is by indulging in alcohol. If you choose to booze, remember that you are safer with clear liquors and low carb, low calorie beer. Beware of sugary mixers! For the winos: red is better overall for you than white. Try to limit how many drinks you have per week. Once you continue to curve drinking down, watch your belly magically disintegrate. Presto Chango!

 

Now that you have the tools, go out there and be a healthier you! You CAN do it. 2011 is your year to rise, shine and get (and stay) lean!

 

Written by  Tristan Skye

The GA Voice published copy: click here

 

Two Brave Transmen Speak Out

The following letter is written by Nathaniel Joseph in regards to the blogger/vlogger known as “Dirt”. His letter was deleted from her blogger.com blog “The dirt from Dirt”. We are posting his letter here, since we at TQ Nation promote being visible, taking a stand, having a voice and not falling prey to the fear of silence.

The type of hate mongering you display breaks my heart. The reality is that an overwhelming majority of the LGB community loathe us. It’s crazy how intolerance and hate can come from those who experience it themselves. So much of this seemingly comes from your own insecurities and fears about your gender and sex being invalidated. Transmen are not implying that butch females are Trans or desire to be male (or are male in our cases). We are not saying that you aren’t valid and beautiful in your own gender and sex. Many of us adore butch dykes for great reason. Your prejudice frustrates me to no end! It’s beyond me as to why you care so much about our lives and bodies.

The intolerance and prejudice that you show Transmen is the same intolerance and prejudice that heterosexuals show you as a butch dyke. If you are cis gender and butch be proud and speak your truth; I will defend you until my dying day, but don’t try and tell me what my truth is. There is a time that I prayed everyday for years not to be Trans, because I had found a way to be accepted as a butch dyke who championed for butch females. I knew that my being Trans wouldn’t be accepted in the same way. But I couldn’t ignore it, and like so many, tried to end my life because this burden was so painful. We all know this isn’t an easy road, and wouldn’t choose it if we indeed had a choice (sound familiar Ma’am?).

Our haters think that being Trans is just something we jump into because we are uneducated or easily influenced. This is real! Transsexuals have existed as long as humans have. You, and your disciples, perceive transitioning as trendy because people are more public about it now. How many people think they don’t know Trans folk? The overwhelming majority. We know the reality is that they probably do, they just aren’t aware of them. It’s akin to the heteronormative labeling homosexuality a trend; gays have existed as long as humans have too! And, as with Trans people, the gays stopped hiding it as much and stood up for their civil and human rights (as they should!). There aren’t any more homosexual’s today than there were in the days of forced closets (which I realize still exist for many people).

Furthermore, how dare you generalize me and my brothers as misogynistic and anti-feminist! Does it exist in our community? Yes. But, it also exists amongst cis gender females and lesbians. And in both cases, I assure you, we as a community do not tolerate it. We were socialized female, many of us fought a long side you and will continue to do so. We understand the plight of being female in a patriarchal society with a vengeance towards women. We aren’t weak. We didn’t wake up one day and simply decided it’d be easier to fight as Transmen than Butch women, that is absurd. We live and fight in queer communities, as queers ourselves. Moreover, all your arguments leave out gay Transmen, Transmen who identified as Femme lesbians prior to transition, Transmen who identified as straight prior to transition, and those of us who were over 25 when we started transitioning. It is also apparent that you have disdain for heterosexuals, men, and well any non-lesbian. Yes, many have and do commit acts of hate upon us, but degrading them for their inherent sexuality and/or sex and gender is the same as them doing it to you!

Lastly, I am sickened by your McCarthy hearing, witch hunt exploits. Slapping picture of Transmen across your blog in line up form to gawk and spew hatred at is juvenile, appalling and slimey. If someone wants to do this to Butch Dykes to point and laugh at their bodies is it okay with you? You disgust me Ma’am! At this point, I am so angry and disgusted by your hate that I cannot set aside my pain and rage to be able to sway you any longer. You are just another illustration of how hate can invade even the minority and “liberal mind set.” We did not betray you, we honored ourselves.

Next, is an email I received from Elliott L.

So, I was bored and I went to the beginning of the whole “I hate transpeople and all men in any way shape or form” blogger’s blog and I think perhaps she was somehow friends or friends of friends or maybe involved with the lady whom got murdered from the butchfemme.com community by her trans lover.. Of course, that one link that the person gave you (which was the first link I saw to “Dirt”s blog) mentioned that transmen rape and murder people (which really – what social circle doesn’t have a few rapists and/or murderers? Which, is sad, but true.) So, being as bored as I was I read up on that, and while reading this “Dirt” person’s blog, there’s a lot of links between “Dirt” and people that BrainyFemme (the lady who was murdered) was friends with or talked to and “Dirt”.

Kind of interesting, though probably useless information – I guess what I am trying to say here is – Yes, this “Dirt” person probably disliked trans people from the start, but I think that maybe the possibility of her being friends with the person who was murdered by her FTM husband was something that made her start spewing extra hate. So maybe the reason she thinks we all suck is because one single and uncommon event sparked a catalyst?

For the GLBTQQAAII community, it seems that even though we’re all fighting to end society’s hate upon us there’s a ton of inner hate within the community as well and it seems to never really be issued or it’s denied.

So; in essence we’re fighting outer hate, while being bashed and drowned down by inner hate by the umbrella of the GLBTQQAAII community (not only trans people, but all sub groups of the umbrella community) which is then taken a bit lower by sub group hate (trans people saying other trans people are not trans enough or bisexuals not being gay or straight enough or lesbians not being butch or femme enough or whatever) so really, it comes down to this: As a community, we’re all killing ourselves by not really understanding that there’s no true definition of sexuality or gender; yes there’s an “average” but it seems that a lot of people like to think that they know what the definition is.

Sorry for this whole weird word vomit but it seemed interesting and I had something to say in the beginning. lol. I GUESS what I am trying to say is – Do you think there’s a way that we as a community, can stop trying to define things and start trying to live upon the basis of everyone’s different and whatever works; works – and what works for one may not work for another one? And maybe perhaps try to get all communities under the GLBTQQAAII type thing to band together and stop hating on eachother so damn much?

Not necessarily asking you for the true solution – seeing that it’s a problem I think just one person or a few people would have too much of a burden to fix by their lonesome – but I guess it’s something to muse and think upon mayhaps?

 

Post your comments, thoughts & concerns…

EXPOSING “The dirt from Dirt”

Recently, a link was sent to me and I then discovered a blog on Blogger.com called “The dirt from Dirt” (dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com). Usually, I can read people’s opinions without feeling the need to post an official TQ “spout out”; however, when the blog is derived from a “Butch Lesbian”, a member of the LGBT community, and is overflowing with HATE for the FTM community, I could not be silent.

I was informed this person (who remains anonymous and refers to themselves as “Dirt” – how suiting), “tracks and attacks” those who come against her. I am taking a stand against this and using my rights exactly the same as her: my freedom of speech. If she chooses to attack me, it will certainly not be the first, nor last time in my life. Those who choose to attack others are factually known to be some of the most insecure human beings around. Psychological evidence proves that you put down others to feel better about yourself.

Dirt’s blog could have potentially been good. It appears her intention is to inform the butches out there not to join the “Trans Fad”. She doesn’t want them to fall victim to “peer pressure” and make a life-altering decision that will leave them changed in many irreversible ways. She lists mostly the cons of transitioning, yet some of it is insightful information.

Personally, I can vouch for not “pushing” or “pressuring” people into being FTM. I do see it as a major life decision and know there actually are some people who were butch lesbians, then started to transition and then stopped. The FLIP side of this is that Dirt fails to mention the many FTM’s that might not be here today if they did not have the capability to transition. Our community is flooded with suicide, just look at the recent news reports. Being transgender is very difficult for many, especially when facing potential family, relationship and job loss among others. It takes great courage for those of us who have known we were in the incorrect body for our entire life to correct it. We are not left unsatisfied and unfulfilled. We GAIN happiness and feelings of WHOLENESS that bridge the gap that once was in our hearts and soul. I do feel if a person has any doubt, they should speak to a LGBT-friendly professional to gain insight on their internal questions prior to pursuing any hormones or surgery.

Where does she go wrong? MANY ways.

I will focus my attention on a few key points.

First of all, she makes it clear it is a personal blog, not an open forum and pretty much makes it clear she will not allow certain comments. One transman, in particular, notified me that she had used his photo without his permission and when he left a comment, she deleted his comment and did not allow it to be posted.

I am not going to delete comments on this post. I encourage comments and feel we do all have the right and freedom to express ourselves, despite our differences in opinion.

I do not feel Dirt should use photos of transmen without their permission, even if they are on the internet. Especially in her posts that display a group of 9 photos showing “This Weekend’s Who is Transitioning” with her added words of, “All the young women here are injecting synthetic testosterone and some have had their breast hacked off their female bodies.”

I do not condone disrespect from anyone, especially someone within the LGBT community. The lesbians that refuse to respect people enough to call them by their preferred pronoun, truly is unsettling. They sometimes try to brush it off that they “don’t get it” or they are just “old-school”, but to me it’s interesting how these women who want to be recognized and respected for who they are refuse to pay the same respect to another.

In another post on FTM Buck Angel, Dirt refers to Angel as “she” and “woman”.

It saddens me that this individual does not follow the “Golden Rule” and actually has people who condone and enable her behavior.

To me, her dark cloud is similar to that of the dreaded, Fred Phelps.

Dirt makes it also clear she is NOT part of our community, but we are a part of hers. I can tell that truly upsets her.

She IS part of the community as a whole which does include the “T” for Transgender, and all she is doing is displaying the HATE our community does not tolerate and fights against. She is discriminating people that should be considered her family, people that have faced enough ridicule, the same as she has being a butch woman. Dirt is a BULLY. The kind that helped end the lives of so many of our brothers and sisters, except this BULLY comes from within our walls. She enjoys the satisfaction of trying to discredit and put down the minority within the minority.

The way she refers to transmen is out of pure hatred. I would say “ignorance”, but she has done enough research to be informed and educated enough on trans issues.

She has her main post which is entitled, “An Open Letter to the Trans Community” and suggests us read it prior to making a comment. Obviously, the blog is not intended for the trans community.

She wants to point out that transmen are ashamed of their female bodies and how she is truly a proud butch woman and it must scare us to hear that someone can appear to look “male” yet embrace their “womanhood”. In the same token, I wonder if she has ever thought of it reversed? How a transman is proud of being an FTM and how it might scare a butch woman to hear that. This is not a competition. I can only hope we can all be proud of who we are and be respected for whatever it is.

If she is wanting a blog that represents butch women for who they are, so be it, but remove all the jabs directed at the transmen. I feel she is outraged that butch women have even fallen within the category of transmen. To me, there is no comparison. Butch women are not transmen. Sure, some transmen were once butch women and Dirt should accept that fact and reality.

In another post, she basically tries to emphasize the fact that once on “T”, many transmen turn to sexual encounters with gay men while still having a committed relationship with a femme woman. She points out how they can contract HIV and then pass it on. She then concludes that lesbians will not want transmen and straight women will never be truly fulfilled by a transman, so they end up with gay “tops” who will be with whatever.

This is highly offensive. I personally know MANY transmen and only a small handful are gay men. Even still, why does their sexual orientation get hated on? I do NOT promote infidelity in a relationship with anyone, especially if they are engaged in un-safe sex and keeping it from their partner. Yet Dirt, is trying to stereotype transmen in the same way people stereotype lesbians and make “U-Haul” jokes, or with gay men never being faithful. We are NOT all one in the same.

Dirt’s URL says “dirtywhiteboi”. I think that speaks for itself.

Now, I am going to post several comments by other transmen (and one transwoman) on Dirt’s blog (since they were unable to comment on her blog):

Dirt is a hate-filled so-and-so who posts pictures of transmen on her blog in order to ridicule them. She thinks that transmen are just butches who hate and/or are ashamed of themselves and mutilate themselves with surgery/testosterone. She is a real piece of work, a crazy-a$$ piece of work. Also, she tracks the IPs of people who access her blog, so I’d be careful going to it or linking to it. – M

It’s gut wrenching. I came across this and could barely get through one post. She is hateful. Pure hate, to the core. It could very well be that she is hiding her own trans issues but who knows. It’s scary to think what kind of damage she is doing. It’s people/blogs like this that leave young people feeling suicide is the only option. I wish there was something we, as a community could do to stop her but, sadly, I don’t know what we could do other than report her to Blogger/YouTube etc. – A

I found this very offensive. Not in being anti-T, but being so accusatory and insulting. There is a difference between not trusting T, and insulting or using fear on those who do want this option. This is so hate-filled and this person seems to have no true understanding of what it means to be trans. I am afraid that young trans individuals will read this and be scared of admitting to themselves who they truly are, and deciding for themselves what steps to take. Obviously T is not the only option, but it is a safe option when done under doctor’s supervision. The one aspect that really showed me that this person does not understand what it means to be trans, was on the “symptom” list stating that T would “make it so you see a stranger in the mirror”. No, you start to see the person you truly are, right now I see a stranger in the mirror. She exaggerates and even makes up possible risks and symptoms of hormone therapy and rails against transgender people in a very demeaning way. Either this person is in severe denial, or really has some problems. This post worries me, it’s extremely offensive. – L

I’m hurt after reading this. It amazes me how people will be as harsh as they can be with their words and post anonymously. There are no words to describe how I feel. – B

She never mentioned the fact that “real” transmen are truly born in the wrong body… and that WE truly believe/KNOW we are male. The side effects she speaks of “we” as MEN are willing to live with, because they are the same as a bio male, which we should have been born with anyways! I could argue every point she makes about T and the effects on a female body, because I AM NOT FEMALE! – M

I hear all the time “Oh you have to realize that some people never will use male names or pronouns with you but that doesn’t mean you should be angry at them.” I am angry at people who can’t respect me. I correct people a few times, because, well there is an adjustment I realize that, but then I tell someone that I won’t respond to the wrong name or pronoun…and its worked before…over a long period of time. – D

One way we can put an end to the sickening Bully that calls themselves “Dirt” (dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com). It specifically states in the site’s “blogger policy” that “material that promotes hatred toward groups based on race or ethnic origin, religion, disability, gender, age, veteran status, or sexual orientation/gender identity is not allowed on Blogger.” Therefore the user is in violation of the terms and agreement and should be brought to the site’s attention as soon as possible. This can be done by following this link to report this directly to blogger.com. If we all band together, we can silence this Bully once and for all. - A

I hope as a community we CAN come together and do something about this. There is no need for a HATE blog to come from inside our LGBT walls that should be SAFE. Please do your part and report Dirt’s blog on Blogger.com.

Written by: Tristan Skye

The Courage to DIE? The Right to TELL!

(Getty Images)

It appears that the HOT topic in recent debate is on reversing the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy written in the law for our U.S. military that keeps the GLB community “hush, hush” over their sexual orientation in order to serve their country.

For the “T” crowd (Transgender), it’s more about keeping your gender identity hidden, which embarks on a whole new playing field…and an even HOTTER debate.

It will take a majority of both houses of Congress to lift the ban that was written into law during the Clinton Administration.

Prior to Clinton’s botched effort in 1993 to force the military to accept gay personnel in its ranks, the ban on gays serving had simply been a presidential directive that could be unilaterally reversed by the White House.

In 1993, Gen. Colin L. Powell, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs at the time, opposed allowing gay men and lesbians to serve openly in the military; however, he did support a compromise, which was the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” bill passed by Congress.

For many years since, those who “came out” and admitted they were gay in the military (some pressured or “forced”) would be discharged and sent home. More than 13,000 discharges of gays and lesbians, including those of much-needed Arabic translators, have been recorded. This is not due to them not serving “honorably” or “effectively”, it is simply due to their sexual orientation being made known.

I witnessed this personally with the USAF back around 10 years ago. I was stationed at Lackland AF base in San Antonio, TX for basic training. I was appointed the leader of my flight and doing incredibly well … until I ran into two issues.

(1) During a routine locker inspection, my notebook was revealed and my training instructor read aloud things I had written (poetry and letters home) that made it blatantly clear that I was “gay”. On impulse, I snatched the notebook from his hands, which only infuriated him more. After that, he told me he didn’t want to see that again; yet, he didn’t “ask”. Later on, I went into his office and came clean. I asked myself, “Am I truly willing to risk my life for a country that expects me to hide who I am?” To my surprise, he actually tried to talk me out of it and told me to think it over before I would be discharged. He addressed that I was doing very well and would graduate basic training as an honor graduate. I tossed the idea back and forth for several moments in my heated mind; however, I finally agreed to think over … hiding my identity in order to serve my country.

(2) Less than a week later, I was discharged due to a medical conflict…mild asthma I never knew I had before. Call it fate, or call it “everything happens for a reason”.

I was transferred to another barrack where those discharged waited to go home. I was put on one end of the hallway with approximately 50-60 others. Those labeled with psychological issues were separated from us and had their own place across the hall. Most of those in the “psych dorm” had tried to or threatened to commit suicide.

I “patiently” waited for three weeks to go home and during that time befriended many others who were waiting. Many of whom were leaving due to being gay.

People might suspect they were going home because of “coming on” to someone, “flaunting” their sexuality or because the military was “too much” for them. None of those I met left for those reasons. Most had similar situations that I had, or worse. Some had situations were rumors flew and their “friends” turned against them, doing everything (including lying) to get them discharged.

I had a good friend who served in the U.S. Army Reserves. On the weekends she had training, I would see her remove her HRC “Equality” sticker from her car before she drove to the base. She had to be extra careful not to reveal any aspect of that part of her. When some brave soldiers and sailors would walk in the Gay Pride Parade, she would watch from the sidelines … too afraid to be seen and get in trouble. She also would never display any public affection (including holding hands) with her partner of 8 years. Hiding her identity in one part of her life, inhibited her in other areas of her life.

I have been aware of news over the years where a gay soldier or sailor had been murdered. I decided to do a little bit of research and uncovered many cases of soldiers and sailors brutally attacked and/or murdered for being gay. Who were they murdered by? Mostly, those serving with them…their “brothers” and/or “sisters”.

It is a fact that HATE CRIMES happen everywhere. Even in situations where you are supposed to be fighting together against the enemy; instead, brother turns against brother, sister turns against sister . . .  and makes one of his own the enemy.

“No matter how I look at this issue, I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens.” Those were the words of Adm. Mike Mullen, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, speaking last week before a Senate panel.

____________________________________________________________________

A letter to the editor of Daily Press read:

I feel President Barack Obama has opened up a can of worms (what’s new?) with his proposed policy on gays serving openly in the military. I served in the military for more than 20 years and of course knew of numerous gays who served with dignity but did not flaunt their sexual orientation.

What happens when gay military members are serving in a state where same-sex marriage is permitted? Will the military recognize that marriage and issue dependent ID cards, housing allowance, medical coverage, etc.? Will there be complaints of sexual discrimination when military discipline is justified? What’s next? Transgender individuals serving in the military? Maybe the military will provide the medical care for the operation?

I was proud to serve my country, but I’m glad I am not still in.

Fred Whitesell
Hampton

____________________________________________________________________

Like I said earlier, allowing transgender individuals to be open in the military is an entirely new playing field. A more challenging one at that.

If President Obama can get this military ban reversed, it will be next step towards marriage equality. I have always felt that until our gay soldiers can serve openly in the military, we will not see 100% marriage equality.

I’m curious your viewpoints on the positive and negative effects of reversing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.

Time for you to SPOUT OUT!

Written by TQ Nation President: Tristan Skye

Join the Revolution!

Remembering Trans Man Dr. Maxwell Scott Anderson

Tristan (left), Maxwell (center) & Franky (right) *(Photo Credit: Clarice Gauf)

On January 14th, 2010, Dr. Maxwell Scott Anderson was transported to a higher place after being diagnosed with a brain tumor in late December.

“Dr Maxwell Scott Anderson August 26, 1956 – January 14, 2010 On January 14th, 2010 at 3:10pm, Dr. Maxwell Scott Anderson was called home to God’s glory in a peaceful rest. He was a native of Chicago, Illinois; moving to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida and then to Atlanta, Georgia where he called home for 20 plus years.”

Maxwell was surrounded by much love when he passed and his life has left a print on this world that will never be forgotten. He was a man with a heart of gold and touched the lives of many. His spirit will forever live on.

Maxwell was a well known therapist in Atlanta. One of my best friends, Franky, went to Maxwell and they became as close as brothers in a short amount of time. Franky spoke very highly of Maxwell and this is how my wife and I were first introduced.

The first time I saw Maxwell was upon viewing the 2001 Sundance film festival winner “Southern Comfort”. In the documentary, I was able to soak in a glimpse of Maxwell as I watched him live his life by the side of his best friend, the late Robert Eads. Robert was also a trans man who died of Ovarian cancer due to doctors refusing treatment. The film covered the last year of his life.

My wife and I got the honor to meet Maxwell face-to-face at the Southern Comfort Conference in 2009. He was working on a new documentary that will still be made in his honor.

Maxwell was a person you quickly came to love and see as family. My wife and I helped with a benefit show to support the documentary and the next thing we knew, he was at our home for a cookout. That was the last time we saw Maxwell before we found out the news. He was supposed to be at my wife’s birthday party and we found out days later he did not show up due to the fact that he collapsed in his home and wasn’t found until days later.

When we visited him at the hospice, he was asleep and we told him how much we love him and gave him lots of hugs and kisses. Two people that remained by his side the most were his sister Susie who flew down here to be with him from Chicago and my best friend Franky.

This past weekend, I was at Maxwell’s apartment and watched Susie going through items and Franky and Cass help transport belongings.

Dr. Maxwell Scott Anderson (Photo Credit: PJ Pilgrim of Appleblossom Photography)

The most important part of all of this is that Maxwell needs your help.

His life insurance was given to someone who only is contributing to pay for Maxwell’s cremation and nothing else. A HORRIBLE truth. There is much more to this story, but I believe God will deal with this person and it’s not up to us.

Pastor Paul of Gentle Spirit church in Atlanta is a wonderful man and is holding the memorial service at his place of worship.

As you can imagine, there is a great need here to help cover costs that accumulated and his death.

I’m asking for people to PLEASE help and know that even $1 will help out. The funds are going to a safe account that belongs to his sister. She is a great person and said after the costs have been covered ALL remaining funds will go to help fund the documentary Maxwell was making so it can be completed.

They also have some of his items for sale trying to raise money. Click HERE to donate!

HOW to”CHIPIN”: First click on the link below and it will take you to the ChipIn page. You will see a “widget” on the right-hand side, click the button that says “ChipIn!” – This will now direct you to the Paypal page. At the top, insert the amount you want to donate in the box that says “unit price” THEN click on the button “update totals” — NOW you are ready to either log in to your paypal account OR you can follow the steps below and enter in your account info on the safe server. After you complete your transaction, you will be notified via email and receive a confirmation. THANK YOU FOR YOUR DONATIONS!

Some Posts on Maxwell’s FaceBook page:

“Rest in peace, Max. A special “thank you” to his close friends for keeping us all in the know. It was an honor to have seen his life from the outside while knowing I would always be in his heart as he is in mine… and to know the size of his heart from thousands of miles away. You will be missed, my brother.”

“RIP max..you have no idea the impact you have made on the trans community… the doc. made such an imact on me and 1,000s of others. Almost made it to SCC this year, i sorry i didnt so i could meet you. The trans community is truly in mourning. RIP say hey to robert for me”

“This is the Maxwell I want you to remember. This is the speech from the Trans Rights rally and march in Atlana last June, on the 40th Anniversary ofthe Stonewall Rebellion. When ATL postponed Pride, we did not. Maxwell helped to organize it. The speech moved me. His memory, and hisactivism, are survived in us. Plenty of fight to carry onward.”

“Goodbye max although we never met you were a great man. its saddens me to have never met you but in my heart you are begining your journey with God. you will shine ever so bright being the angel that you are. you will be dearly missed by so many people i wish the most love and cheerfulness to all in this sad time. lots of love from me to you all.”

“comfort and peace for the people who loved him. he set a wonderful example.. we will see him again though. he had such a sweet heart.”

“God speed Maxwell, I hope you find an eternity of peace and joy. We will meet again. Thank you Susie for all that you have done to see him off. It can’t have been easy. Please accept my condolences for yourself and your family. You are now part of a larger family and I appreciate everything you have done these past few weeks.”

My Post:

“♥ My tweet last night for you, dearest big brother ♥ Today the world lost a very special man, Dr. Maxwell Scott Anderson, and heaven received him. Three things I know: he will never be forgotten, that he will always be very loved and in our hearts forever. Xoxoxo Max, your spirit will forever live on. I know you are watching over us now from heaven. You and Robert.”

Some Posts on Maxwell’s passport on TQ Nation:

“Dr. Max. you are an awesome guy. You have helped so many who were lost confused and hurting, i’m one of them. didnt talk for long just one email but you helped me through your encouragement and wise words. We all love you Dr. Max.”

“Thank you for all you did in your life. You will continue to be an inspiration to me and for that I am forever grateful. Rest in peace.”

Remembrance Video by Monica Helms:

Written by: Tristan Skye of TQ Nation