Power & Control: How (not) to be a Man

Time to get a grip on how we react.

In just a few moments of your time today, I would like to help you redefine your perception of how we should be as men…to our partners, families, friends, workplace and community. To some, this will not be an epiphany as they read along. To others, I hope it opens your eyes.

Recently, I was provided a list of actions that are considered “abusive” behavior. As I scanned the list, I was amazed at some of the items…considering, most people I know would be abusive per this list. I then saw a bigger picture and reality. If the majority of us do things that hurt others, the effect we are having on them always finds a way to come back full circle.

“Life is like an echo. What we send out, always comes right back.” – Chinese Proverb

 

I am personally guilty of some of these abusive behaviors. I have nothing to hide and I hope you can learn some things from my own experiences.

We do not think of ourselves as abusers because we JUSTIFY or MINIMIZE our actions due to the actions of the other person. What we need to realize is WE CANNOT CHANGE our partners, we can only change ourselves and be accountable for what WE do. It doesn’t matter if they are calling you names, you don’t have to call names back. I have come to a point in life where I think that those who fight the hardest to win an argument are truly the biggest losers.

We as men need to create SAFETY, not have a persona of stopping whatever behavior threatens our “authority” – we see aggression as being a natural part of being a man, and that our “superior status” gives us the right to use that aggression to dominate and control women..and others.

DO NOT BLAME YOUR T-SHOTS. Be accountable for your actions. I have been on T now for 5 months and I have not once blamed anything I have said or done on T. Do I feel more assertive? Sure! Yet, that is no excuse or justification to be an asshole.

We need to be loving, supportive and respectful. We need to be self-less, not selfish in our motives, thoughts and actions. We need to have integrity and be role models to our future generations.

It is NOT okay to lose our cool and have short fuses. I have been practicing this while driving. Where I live is NUTS with traffic and most people that live here shouldn’t have a drivers license. Lately, when someone cuts me off and I feel the urge to wave my Italian arm in the air and yell out, “You stupid idiot!!!!”, I now honk my horn and keep my mouth shut. Oh, and I have stopped honking my horn for, like, 5 minutes at the person. I had a wonderful habit of doing that. I’d get really fired up and lay on my horn for an uncomfortable amount of time. FACT: I have cut people off and most of the time it has been unintentional and I felt awful about it. Who’s to say these people just didn’t see me? We are human. We make mistakes. We need to realize this, stop stressing out, and move on.

FOR HEALTH’S SAKE:

High stress increases your blood pressure, increases cortisol (hormone that adds tummy fat), and makes your body more at risk to be unhealthy. Stress is not healthy. It is the precursor for many horrible things you don’t want.

To top that off, when we react instead of respond, we put the other person’s health at risk.

KIDS WILL BE KIDS?

You can listen in on a typical day at the playground and hear kids bullying other kids who aren’t aggressive or dominant and show more signs of passivity. They pick on them and call them all sorts of names like “faggot”, “wuss”, “p*ssy”, to demoralize them. Notice, most names these young boys are called usually relate to women. It is ingrained early on that for a man to be thought of in any way as a woman is degrading. *Just wanted to point that out*

I remember when I was a child, yelling and screaming TERRIFIED me. It made me feel scared inside and I wanted to go hide. As I grew up…I then adopted that behavior and felt like the louder I could get, the more I would be heard. I just really wanted to make sure I was heard and understood and even felt my reasoning was completely justified and rational. In turn, I wasn’t listening to the other person. I heard very little, made my assumptions and then defended my own reality and perception.

Why am I disclosing my own dirt? Because it is dirt MANY people have and I’m doing a complete makeover with the new revelations I have been receiving and it is time for all of us to clean up our lives so we can truly live and not be overshadowed by deception of how we should be as men.

I want to respect others, listen to them and value their feelings as I value my own. I want to respond calmly to things that usually strike a nerve and irritate me. I want to bite my tongue when I feel “triggered” and only respond in a loving way, or walk away until I can. I want to be the best husband and father I possibly can be.

HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE

It is just a fact. People who are hurt, hurt others. And when you are hurting, you are so wrapped up in your own hurt that you fail to realize there is another person right in front of you that is also hurting. We have this reptilian brain of “flight or fight” and forget to pass through the passive pathway of “cognitive thinking” and take the quick pit stop of “REACTION” … which is never the right exit to get off at. Most of the time we react, it is out of our own hurt and fear. Usually, when you feel something intense in a not-so-nice-way, you are either going to cry, lash out, or retreat.

I feel the time has come for men to embrace a sense of self in which they can provide safe environments and validation of others.

Lastly, I am providing you with the list I was given recently. Some of these are extreme, some might surprise you.

Violent and Controlling Behavior Checklist
Physical Violence
____ Slap, punch, grab, kick, choke, push, restrain, pull hair, pinch, bite
____ Rape (use of force, threats to get sex)
____ Use of weapons, throwing things, keeping weapons around which scare her
____ Abuse of furniture, things in the home, pets, destroying her things
____ Intimidation (standing in the doorway during arguments, angry or threatening gestures, use of size to intimidate, standing over her, outshouting, driving recklessly)
____ Uninvited touching
____ Threats (verbal or nonverbal, direct or indirect)
____ Harassment (uninvited visits or calls, following her around, checking up on her, embarrassing her in public, not leaving when asked)
____ Isolation (preventing or making it hard for her to see/talk to friends, relatives, others)
____ Other (please list)

Psychological and Economic Abuse
____ Yelling, swearing, being lewd, raising your voice, using angry expressions or gestures
____ Criticism (name-calling, swearing, mocking, put-downs, ridicule, accusations, blaming, use of trivializing words or gestures)
____ Pressure Tactics (rushing her to make decisions, using guilt/accusations, sulking, threatening to withhold financial support, manipulating children, abusing feelings)
____ Interrupting, changing topics, not listening, not responding, twisting her words, going on and on
____ Economic coercion (withholding money, the car, or other resources; sabotaging her attempts to work)
____ Claiming “the truth,” being the authority, defining her behavior, using “logic”
____ Lying, withholding information, infidelity (having sex with others)
____ Using pornography (e.g., magazines, movies, strip shows, home videos, etc.)
____ Withholding help on childcare/housework; not doing your share or following through on your agreements
____ Emotional withholding (not expressing feelings, not giving support, validation, attention, compliments, respect for her feelings, rights, and opinions)
____ Not taking care of yourself (not asking for help or support from friends, abusing drugs or alcohol, being a “people-pleaser”)
____ Other forms of manipulation (please list)

(Adapted from EMERGE, Boston, Massachusetts)

“Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing.”

“It Gets Better” … unless you live in Michigan! GOP Passes BULLYING Bill

Matt Epling

This year, we as a community have taken steps forward, yet today, I read about something that moves us GIANT feet backwards.

Michigan GOP passed a bullying bill 26-11 (with zero votes from the Dems) allowing kids to be bullied by anyone! This includes students, teaches, faculty, volunteers, parents…you name it, they are allowed to bully a kid! As long as they can provide a so-called religious or moral reason for the actions (not to exclude “the devil made me do it”) then the bullying is sufficiently valid.

The sick irony is that the law is named about a Michigan teen Matt Epling who died by suicide as a result of anti-gay bullying.

Michigan State Senator Gretchen Whitmer stated passionately, “the saddest and sickest irony of this whole thing is that it’s called ‘Matt’s Safe School Law’. And after the way that you’ve gutted it, it wouldn’t have done a damn thing to save Matt!”

Personally, I am in livid SHOCK over this! I can’t even count how many kids have ended their lives or had their lives ended for them by hateful bullying and to actually pass a bill to allow bullies…to make the bullies, in fact, win…is a sick twist for me. I can only pray this bill gets reversed!

The Michigan Messenger reports:

In a floor speech Minority Leader in the Senate Gretchen Whitmer (D-​East Lansing) slammed the Republicans over the amended language.

“Here today you claim to be protecting kids and you’re actually putting them in more danger,” Whitmer said. “But bullying is not OK. We should be protecting public policy that protects kids — all kids, from bullies — all bullies. But instead you have set us back further by creating a blueprint for bullying.”

“Shockingly, Senate Bill 137 will do more harm than good. Senate Republicans left our students behind in favor of partisan politics and passed a bill that actually allows more bullying. Students and parents expect lawmakers to lead the charge against bullying, but instead Republicans made ideology more important than school safety,” said Emily Dievendorf, policy director of Equality Michigan. “Research clearly shows that only states with enumerated bills see a reduction in bullying. We need a bill that mentions the most affected populations and requires statewide reporting of bullying and harassment. SB 137 simply does nothing to reduce bullying in our schools.”

“To the families of the ten reported suicides that were directly linked to bullying and the countless others that have gone unreported, this bill adds insult to injury,” said Senator Glenn Anderson (D-​Westland). “I have been working for years to pass legislation to provide a safe school environment for all of our students. This bill goes in the exact opposite direction and in fact provides a license to bully.”

The legislation passed 26 – 11. It now moves to the Republican-​controlled House.

“I am ashamed that this could be Michigan’s bill on anti-​bullying, when in fact it is a ‘bullying is OK in MI’ law,” said Kevin Epling, an East Lansing parent whose son committed suicide as a result of bullying. His comment was posted on his Facebook page.

In an interview he had more to say.

“For years the line has been ‘no protected classes,’ and the first thing they throw in — very secretly — was a very protected class, and limited them from repercussions of their own actions. This line has no purpose within this piece of legislation except to incite ‘religious bigotry’ within our schools. Schools are trying to build more tolerant students and future leaders, not automatons blindly following misguided adult leaders who seek a return to a 1950′s America,” Epling said. “This will only cause unrest in schools and give schools one more thing to deal with rather than trying to solve a problem. Also it is not a very well thought out ploy, as in some areas of the state the tables might be turned on the ‘anointed ones’ they seek to keep from being punished. This is just very wrong and the way it was done was wrong as well. It was bullying at its best.”

The Detroit Free Press notes:

Kevin Epling, whose son Matt Epling killed himself in 2002 after being bullied, said that the added language will allow anyone to bully a student and cite their religious beliefs. He has worked with lawmakers for years to developed anti-​bullying legislation.

“This is just unconscionable. This is government-​sanctioned bigotry,” said Epling of East Lansing, who said he is “ashamed” that lawmakers added the language at the last minute.

The DFP also notes that the bill addresses cyber-​bullying but only when school district owned devices are the tools of the bullying.

Hunting the job market and TRANSGENDER?

The job market being what it is, with a reported ten percent unemployment rate in Atlanta (that figure representing ten percent of the population drawing unemployment benefits- discounting those whose benefits have run out, or those who don’t draw unemployment) that means that competition for jobs is a bit fierce right now.  And employers know it- they are picking and choosing whom they hire, taking only the creme de la creme.  A recent study showed that most employers immediately discount anyone who has been unemployed for six months as an undesirable.  You obviously aren’t a desirable commoddity if you haven’t caught an employer’s eye in six months.

So where does that leave the trans community?  Those of us with passing issues face a number of hurdles in the job market already, and with employers quick to fire and reluctant to hire for the reasons of public image, HR issues and what they percieve to be ‘hassles’ in hiring the transgendered.  And even those who pass just fine may have issues with documentation, legal hurdles where everything is going along swimmingly until the gender marker issue or the birth certificate comes into play.

So what’s a poor girl to do?  Because I speak in generalization, there is no story that I can tell nearly as well as my own, and my experience tends to create the filter through which I view the world.  Y’know, like yours.  So with that in mind, let’s examine my experiences and I can explain how I arrived at my current solution.

Step 1: LOSE YOUR JOB

If you are doing well and cooking along in a career in corporate America, then more power to ya.  It’s a fine feeling- a steady paycheck, benefits and security as you work today to build yourself a better tomorrow.  And then all of a sudden the rug can be pulled out from under you- be it corporate downsizing in a poor economy, the company simply shutting down, a buyout where the first step is to slash staff or interpersonal conflict with a boss whom you make uncomfortable *cough cough*.  But pack up your desk, because you’re out the door, beyotch, bye bye bye.

Step 2: THE HUNT FOR JOB OCTOBER

Hey, no problem, plenty of fish in the sea, plenty of places out there in the same business, and you have contacts- put it out over the web and tug a little, something is bound to turn up in short order, just bide your time and feel people out and something will turn around for sure.  Update that resume and brush up on those skills, and the bank account can carry you for a bit, right?

Step 3:  WHAT THE HELL

Now it has been months, and no interviews, people aren’t returning your calls and you are really starting to sniff your armpits and wonder if maybe you haven’t got a trio of sixes branded on your forehead.  You’ve already started padding your resume and filling in that you JUST lost that job, not six months ago- after all, you know the company’s policy is to just give out the information that you worked there, period.  So you’re keeping hope alive as you go ahead and cash in the 401K- no biggie, rebuild it later, just keep paying the mortgage and putting food on the table for now.  Oh, and somehow you’ve put on 15 pounds, which makes everything better, right?  Yay.

Step 4:  WHAT THE F%$K?!?

Okay, now you have been out of work for so long you really are feeling like a leper.  Fast food jobs won’t touch you, clerk jobs won’t touch you- hell, you can’t rember the last interview.  The savings have run tight and the ebay store is actually a welcome relief income.  Depression has definitely set in and you are starting to think about answering one of those “Make $300 a day from home!” spam ads in your filter,  Your friends commisserate, yet nobody has a lead.  Your worries about the future have moved from “I’m sure something will turn up soon” to “Are we going to lose everything?”

Step 5: CHANGE THE RULES OF THE GAME

This is when you finally accept that for whatever reason, the cosmos has decided that you don’t rate a break.  Fifteen years in your old career?  So what.  Now you are overqualified, you cost too much and “oh my gawd I think that was a man in a dress” doesn’t even factor in anymore because the few and far between interviews that you have had resulted in good handshakes and feelings all around, but the cherry-picking of employers means that you aren’t being hired.  It’s time to try something else, and this is where you start investigating technical schools.  “Become a motorcycle mechanic!  Learn to be an accountant!  ITT Tech wants you!  Welding is in high deamnd right now!  Investigate an exciting career in comestology!”

A little research yields the information that student loans and grants are actually quite available these days, and sure enough, there are a number of career fields where being trans isn’t really much of an issue.  A tough mechanic chick who looks a little burly turning a wrech becomes a turnon rather than a liability.  A tall hairdresser with big hands and a winning personality is popular in any salon.  The little stout welder guy is handy to fit into those small repair spaces.  And there is a surprising amount of money to be made in those fields.

So therein hangs the lesson for today’s column; if you find the deck stacked against you and the rules of the game are getting you down, don’t keep trying the same thing expecting different results- that’s the very definition of insanity.  Instead, change the game and change the rules.  Find a new career field that suits you, get some loans- and with your name change, you might be surprised that suddenly you are elligible for all sorts of loans and grants now that you may previously have been cut off from.  Do your research, see how much money is out thre, and find a new niche to go with your new life.

After all, with all of the changes happening inside and outside of you, why not change the environment of your career as well, to match?  Because there’s nothing like a good transition and a fresh start!

Written by: Sabrina Pandora

Newt Gingrich…Be a MAN! DOMA is a CROCK!

Yeah, Newt, use your BRAIN!

This morning as I was driving in wee early hours, watching the windshield wipers blur my vision, I was listening to talk radio and heard something that made my ears perk up.

They were talking about Newt Gingrich apologizing to Evangelical Christians for his extra-marital affairs. His reasoning? He did it because of his “allegiance to the flag”, suggesting his “long hours” serving the Nation led him down the dark road of sexual temptation. Give me a break, Newt! Be a MAN…own up and take full responsibility for your actions instead of making excuses and blaming it on something else! (read all about it).

“Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich has claimed that he had an affair with a colleague because he was working too hard.

The twice-divorced Republican politician was married to his second wife Ginther when he embarked on an affair in the mid-90s with blonde Castilla Bisek who is 23-years his junior.

Gingrich was at the time an outspoken critic of President Bill Clinton who had a notorious affair with 22-year-old White House intern Monical Lewinsky.”

Here we have a politician who serves our country in his THIRD marriage and who fully supports DOMA. What’s that, you ask? DOMA is the Defense of Marriage Act that President Bill Clinton (yeah, him!) signed back in the 90′s which keeps marriage between a man and a woman.

In 1998, I wrote my English 101 college term paper on same-sex marriage. I had to research BOTH sides and even back then I saw what a big crock it was.

You have people who have had numerous marriages, countless affairs, telling other people that love each other they can’t get married because they are the same sex?

I heard a great quote once where someone said, “How about we tell them if we can’t get married, then they can’t get divorced.”

Even as a married trans man, I still am irked to no end by the ignorance and hypocrisy of this as I look to my brothers and sisters who are deeply in love, have been a couple for years, and still are refused legal marriage.

Some opposite-sex straight couples refuse to take the plunge until there is marriage equality, like musicians Tristan Prettyman and Jason Mraz. They are not alone, either.

Yes, today I’m on my soapbox! I’m P.O.ed that a drunk guy can marry a stripper in Vegas and wake up the next day and not even remember it, let alone know each other’s names! That’s marriage they are trying to DEFEND? Where’s the “sanctity” in that?!?

If you want to defend marriage and make sure there is sanctity in it – make ALL couples undergo 6 months of marriage counseling prior to marriage and have it signed off by a qualified official!

Other countries are WAY ahead of us, even the Canadians! Yet, the US of “Nay” remains in the dark ages due to people holding us back.

Oh! And I’m going to go there…guess what other minority votes AGAINST gay marriage? African Americans! People who know first-hand what it’s like to be treated like a second-class citizen. Am I comparing the civil rights movement to the gay rights movement? NO. I’m comparing the fact that minorities should atleast have the decency to stand up for one another.

Ignorance and FEAR is what breeds HATE. I have read plenty of comments directed to myself and even my wife telling us, “I hope you die of AIDS” ( and in reference to being Transgender) “That’s scary!” First off, I guess they think we’re running around having unprotected sex with random people and that’s how we will get AIDS? They don’t “get it” that we are a married couple in a monogamous relationship. But, the part that get’s me is the “scary” part. They are SCARED of what they don’t understand and instead of educating themselves, it’s easier for them to cower down and say a hateful comment to ease their “petrified” little minds.

Last time I checked, those who say cruel things remind me of elementary school kids who haven’t reached a maturity level to speak with intelligence and have enough self-control to contain their feelings, instead of igniting malicious behavior.

BACK to the subject at hand…President Obama isn’t my favorite guy who ever slept in the White House, but he has made some progressive changes for the GLBTQ community. Recently, he would not resign DOMA saying it was unconstitutional, so I’m hoping marriage equality will be around the corner! (read all about it). I want to be able see my best friends share the legal freedom to love each other and commit the rest of their lives.

Newt Gingrich suggested impeachment of President Obama over the DOMA issue stating, “President Obama overstepped his constitutional bounds when he announced he would no longer defendDefense of Marriage Act in court.” (read all about it).

New York also recently passed a law that allows Transgender couples to marry without conflict, another step in the right direction. As it stands now, there is a lot of footwork, legal changes, surgery and more in order to be able to legally get married if you are Transgender. (read all about it).

*deep breath*

I needed to vent and appreciate you listening to me. NEVER stop fighting for your rights. NEVER take less than what you deserve.

Written by TRISTAN “SHIMMER” SKYE
President and Co-Founder of TQ Nation

REWARDS WHERE DUE

Sabrina Pandora

So here of late transwomen have taken a bit of a beating in the news, it seems.  There was the SNL “Estro-Maxx” skit which featured bearded guys in dresses mocking the hormone treatment of transsexuals.  Hey, lookie there, what a surprise, here we are again- the punchline of a joke.  Ha ha,  Look at the funny bearded men in dresses growing breasts.  They aren’t making much of an effort, just growing boobs and wearing dresses, and it’s funny because that’s what MtF transsexuals are, see?.  It am funny, am it not?

Yeah.  Belittling the struggle of transsexuals is super funny, so long as you view them as something other than, yannow, human.  I know.  We’re oversensitive and need to grow a sense of humor.  Here, have a laugh on me.

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/estro-maxx/1279560/

Again, I have to point out… if it was a commercial about taking a drug to make black people become more white, would it still be funny?  Watching them wearing hip hop clothes with perhaps some awful plaid Bermuda shorts and white knee socks?

So then we move on to The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.  Craig loves the gays.  Craig is sensitive to the gays and their plight.  So that’s why we get his “half-sister” played by a bearded hairy man in a skirt named “Peg”.  We get jokes about his naughty bits being on display while he sits there in a skirt with his legs open, he gets called a “he-she”, and it’s all oh so funny, isn’t it?  So long as being a transsexual is a joke, then you betcha.  It’s freaking hilarious.  Here, look for yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1J1TDKptQs

Oh yeah, that was a barrel of laughs right there.  But is it really a serious problem?  To answer this, I think that Meghan Stabler, a member of the board of directors of the HRC of all places managed to sum it up best.

“We should all be shocked and appalled with what was coming out in the
current narrative of comedy. The lives of gay and lesbian people are
being woven into the fabric of TV shows such as GLEE and Modern
Family. Even though we have a long way to go before full rights are
afforded to us, we can still be shown as equals to our peers. Comedy’s
ability to mock that part of our community has significantly lessened,
but has it done so at the risk of emphasizing the focus on the
transgender community?

I think it has, and it needs to stop.

To many of us who have journeyed along the deeply emotional and
stressful path to transition our gender, the parody and acting
portraits were utterly offensive. Hidden behind and along that journey
is significant stress, deep emotion, extreme risk and even worse –
suicide or homicide.

To live our lives authentically takes deep courage mirrored with the
real fears and deep-rooted societal prejudices that all too often
manifest themselves as workplace bigotry, un- and under-employment,
loss of family and friends, and most unfortunately, harassment and
homicides.

Some will likely argue that the portrayal was humorous, a joke, but in
true comedy there is always a punchline. Unfortunately for this one,
and for us, there was no punchline, unless you regard transition as a
joke and therefore transgender people as a human punchline. In doing
so, the comic must also understand that in conveying it as humorous
comes the risk that sometimes transgender people will be the punching
bag.”

But then we get to the Living Social Super Bowl commercial.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33jb2Ns7yaQ

Now, at first, I wanted to sigh and call it yet another cheap shot at our expense.

But then I started looking at it and considering it.

The big burly lumberjack starts getting great deals.  They open his horizons.  He moves fluidly from one experience to the next, exploring life and tasting the sweetness of it until finally we see him as a transwoman, elegant, well-dressed, hair done up nicely, makeup just right for the occasion.  She appears to be happy, confident and in control of her life.  She comments that Living Social helped her blossom, and changed her life.  And it could change yours too.

There is no mean, harsh jab here.  There is no belittlement, no human punchline.  There is no lack of a joke if you are trans.  Only a montage of the journey of one man to discover all that life has to offer and exploring what he wants from it and who he wants to be… and eventually finding herself.  It is a transwoman being shown with dignity… yes, with some humor, but it is still better treatment of the condition than I think I’ve seen in a very long time.

We are quick to come to the forefront and say when we are angry.  When we see oppression, we jump to the defense, because people need to understand that it is wrong, and that we will not sit quietly and be mocked.  We are human beings and deserve respect.  Yes, we are quick to fight, because it is still so much a part of who we are, and who we must be in a world where we have so few rights and we are fifth class citizens.

But let us not be so confrontational as to forget to take the time to thank those who see that struggle and turn a kind and even eye to it for us.  To those who might show us in a kinder and nobler light.  To those who may see us not as a joke, but instead as brave and courageous explorers of the human experience.  When someone takes the time to show us in such a light, let us take that same time that we would to vociferously defend ourselves, and instead thank those who see us as people.

So thank you, Living Social.  Thank you for painting us in a positive light.  Thank you for not making us a punchline in an unfunny joke.

Thank you for seeing and portraying us as human beings.

Written by TQ Nation Contributor:
Sabrina Pandora

Macho Men & The Femme Factor

Sabrina Pandora

I’ve noticed that there seems to be a bit of a division in the trans community, such as it were.  I thought I’d take today to comment on it.

Y’see, there are certain inequalities that exist in the trans community.  Well, let’s be honest, there are a lot of them, but today we’re going to examine one so that I can move on to my point.  And that inequality is in passing.

Between transmen and transwomen there is a very, very clear division on this, and it has been pretty accepted, so I don’t feel as though I am overstepping my bounds in making this observation.  Transmen have an easier time of it when it comes to passing than transwomen, at least on casual inspection.  After all, a short haircut, men’s clothes, a binder and a little bit of swagger can go a long ways.  Add a little facial hair to that equation and very few people really question what’s under there.  They are far more likely to jump to the conclusion ‘gay man’ then they are ‘trans man’.

But for transwomen it is usually a whole lot harder.  Trying to dress up a Y chromosome in a pretty package and make it look X so that society won’t freak out, discriminate and laugh at you is a whole lot harder.  This is arguable, but again, I’m pretty sure that I’m on target here.

So with that logical assumption made, we move on to my next observation, which is segregation between the gender fences in the trans community.  How often do you see transmen and transwomen hanging out together?  Seems pretty seldom.  Transwomen and transmen flock together all right (so long as the trans women are all either unpassable or uncaring- but that’s a column for another time).  But the intermingling just doesn’t seem to happen.  Now why is that?

Observation has told me that it is the Passing Prejudice.  The rule that says that if you are trans and you spend time with someone who does not pass well enough, then you are instead making yourself suspect as well and bringing down your own passability.  Now, mind you, this rule also applies to straights who hang out with non-passable transfolk, but somehow it usually doesn’t bother them as much.  Go figure.

Because as mentioned earlier, transmen often pass reasonably easily, whereas transwomen do not.  So in order to keep themselves from being ‘read’, they avoid their opposite numbers when they can, and certainly don’t make a habit of socializing with them.  Besides, there is that not-so-vague and not-so-quiet notion that has been circulated that transmen somehow view their sisters in transition as somehow idiotic and ridiculous.  As they are working so hard to distance themselves from stereotypically feminine behavior, habits and lifestyle, transwomen are often rushing headlong to embrace it, some at a breakneck pace.  It just makes no sense to many transmen, and much like so many activists look at the overblown drag queens on floats in parades and shake their heads that these are their representatives to the community and how they are viewed by the world at large, so too do the transmen look at the 50 year old transwoman in the too-short vinyl skirt and six inch heels and fishnet top and bra with a bedraggled wig and sigh.

But there’s something that they are missing out on, and I think that it is important enough to mention and shed a little light upon.

You see, transwomen are a huge resource for transmen that are being largely ignored.  Yes, they do tend to have their idiosyncrasies and they do have their moments, but there is a simple fact that most transmen seem to overlook when considering them.  You see, transmen, particularly when they are first starting out, do not usually have an understanding of the nuances of masculine society.  They do not understand the subtle body language, the power of a nod up or down when passing another man, the difference in the way that a self-confident man walks versus an angry man or an effeminate man.

Sure, we can argue all day about the definitions of masculinity and how it is up to the individual to define that for themselves.  You betcha, that is quite true.  But the reality of the situation is that while society has some pretty preset and concrete ideas of what is femininity, it has even stronger ideas about masculinity.  And they are very simple, very basic and very, very concrete.

And transwomen know them better than anyone else in the world.

Why?  Because they did not come naturally to them… they had to learn to emulate those masculine behaviors and adhere to those masculine codes in order to learn to survive in the society that they never chose, but was thrust upon them.  Crossing your legs the right way, keeping those hand gestures tight and firm, portraying the acceptable emotional states… all of these things and so many more are all something that transwomen had to learn, because for so many of them, it did not come naturally.  They had to ape the men around them, and often through ridicule and hazing did they find what was acceptable.

So when they encounter transmen, here is a golden opportunity.  Any transwoman who had to unlearn behaviors and body language could potentially make a fantastic tutor for transmen who are trying to hone their own masculine behaviors.  Just as walking in heels takes practice and comes with a learning curve, so too does walking in sneakers as a guy, or cowboy boots.  Women walk with their elbows in, one of the keys of feminine body language, whereas men bow their elbows out to take up more space and appear larger.  Women run their fingers through their hair one way, men do it another.  Seldom will you see a woman rubbing the scruff of her chin while thinking, whereas men seldom play with their lower lip when in thought.

All of these subtle nuances that could be transferred… lost.  And I imagine that there is some teaching to go in the other direction too, but on that I can’t speak… after all, I know a few transmen in passing, but I can’t say that I am close friends with a single one.  Why?  Because I am a transwoman.  I am high femme, and I’ve yet to meet a transman who thought I had a single solitary thing to offer him, forget about actually befriending me and spending time around me.  And apparently in this I am not alone, as I poll other transwomen that I know, and find that while we know others of our own estrogen-fueled tribe, the testosterone tribe is unknown to us all.

So here’s the call to our brothers in transition… in many cases, we’re here, we know, and we can be an invaluable resource for you if you can get over stubborn pride and seek us out.  We spent years pretending to be men, so we know a bit about the subject of outward shows of masculinity.  Perhaps we might be able to help you become the man that you want to be… and perhaps you might be able to steer us away from floral prints and leather miniskirts.

 

Written by Sabrina Pandora

TQ Nation contributor

Two Brave Transmen Speak Out

The following letter is written by Nathaniel Joseph in regards to the blogger/vlogger known as “Dirt”. His letter was deleted from her blogger.com blog “The dirt from Dirt”. We are posting his letter here, since we at TQ Nation promote being visible, taking a stand, having a voice and not falling prey to the fear of silence.

The type of hate mongering you display breaks my heart. The reality is that an overwhelming majority of the LGB community loathe us. It’s crazy how intolerance and hate can come from those who experience it themselves. So much of this seemingly comes from your own insecurities and fears about your gender and sex being invalidated. Transmen are not implying that butch females are Trans or desire to be male (or are male in our cases). We are not saying that you aren’t valid and beautiful in your own gender and sex. Many of us adore butch dykes for great reason. Your prejudice frustrates me to no end! It’s beyond me as to why you care so much about our lives and bodies.

The intolerance and prejudice that you show Transmen is the same intolerance and prejudice that heterosexuals show you as a butch dyke. If you are cis gender and butch be proud and speak your truth; I will defend you until my dying day, but don’t try and tell me what my truth is. There is a time that I prayed everyday for years not to be Trans, because I had found a way to be accepted as a butch dyke who championed for butch females. I knew that my being Trans wouldn’t be accepted in the same way. But I couldn’t ignore it, and like so many, tried to end my life because this burden was so painful. We all know this isn’t an easy road, and wouldn’t choose it if we indeed had a choice (sound familiar Ma’am?).

Our haters think that being Trans is just something we jump into because we are uneducated or easily influenced. This is real! Transsexuals have existed as long as humans have. You, and your disciples, perceive transitioning as trendy because people are more public about it now. How many people think they don’t know Trans folk? The overwhelming majority. We know the reality is that they probably do, they just aren’t aware of them. It’s akin to the heteronormative labeling homosexuality a trend; gays have existed as long as humans have too! And, as with Trans people, the gays stopped hiding it as much and stood up for their civil and human rights (as they should!). There aren’t any more homosexual’s today than there were in the days of forced closets (which I realize still exist for many people).

Furthermore, how dare you generalize me and my brothers as misogynistic and anti-feminist! Does it exist in our community? Yes. But, it also exists amongst cis gender females and lesbians. And in both cases, I assure you, we as a community do not tolerate it. We were socialized female, many of us fought a long side you and will continue to do so. We understand the plight of being female in a patriarchal society with a vengeance towards women. We aren’t weak. We didn’t wake up one day and simply decided it’d be easier to fight as Transmen than Butch women, that is absurd. We live and fight in queer communities, as queers ourselves. Moreover, all your arguments leave out gay Transmen, Transmen who identified as Femme lesbians prior to transition, Transmen who identified as straight prior to transition, and those of us who were over 25 when we started transitioning. It is also apparent that you have disdain for heterosexuals, men, and well any non-lesbian. Yes, many have and do commit acts of hate upon us, but degrading them for their inherent sexuality and/or sex and gender is the same as them doing it to you!

Lastly, I am sickened by your McCarthy hearing, witch hunt exploits. Slapping picture of Transmen across your blog in line up form to gawk and spew hatred at is juvenile, appalling and slimey. If someone wants to do this to Butch Dykes to point and laugh at their bodies is it okay with you? You disgust me Ma’am! At this point, I am so angry and disgusted by your hate that I cannot set aside my pain and rage to be able to sway you any longer. You are just another illustration of how hate can invade even the minority and “liberal mind set.” We did not betray you, we honored ourselves.

Next, is an email I received from Elliott L.

So, I was bored and I went to the beginning of the whole “I hate transpeople and all men in any way shape or form” blogger’s blog and I think perhaps she was somehow friends or friends of friends or maybe involved with the lady whom got murdered from the butchfemme.com community by her trans lover.. Of course, that one link that the person gave you (which was the first link I saw to “Dirt”s blog) mentioned that transmen rape and murder people (which really – what social circle doesn’t have a few rapists and/or murderers? Which, is sad, but true.) So, being as bored as I was I read up on that, and while reading this “Dirt” person’s blog, there’s a lot of links between “Dirt” and people that BrainyFemme (the lady who was murdered) was friends with or talked to and “Dirt”.

Kind of interesting, though probably useless information – I guess what I am trying to say here is – Yes, this “Dirt” person probably disliked trans people from the start, but I think that maybe the possibility of her being friends with the person who was murdered by her FTM husband was something that made her start spewing extra hate. So maybe the reason she thinks we all suck is because one single and uncommon event sparked a catalyst?

For the GLBTQQAAII community, it seems that even though we’re all fighting to end society’s hate upon us there’s a ton of inner hate within the community as well and it seems to never really be issued or it’s denied.

So; in essence we’re fighting outer hate, while being bashed and drowned down by inner hate by the umbrella of the GLBTQQAAII community (not only trans people, but all sub groups of the umbrella community) which is then taken a bit lower by sub group hate (trans people saying other trans people are not trans enough or bisexuals not being gay or straight enough or lesbians not being butch or femme enough or whatever) so really, it comes down to this: As a community, we’re all killing ourselves by not really understanding that there’s no true definition of sexuality or gender; yes there’s an “average” but it seems that a lot of people like to think that they know what the definition is.

Sorry for this whole weird word vomit but it seemed interesting and I had something to say in the beginning. lol. I GUESS what I am trying to say is – Do you think there’s a way that we as a community, can stop trying to define things and start trying to live upon the basis of everyone’s different and whatever works; works – and what works for one may not work for another one? And maybe perhaps try to get all communities under the GLBTQQAAII type thing to band together and stop hating on eachother so damn much?

Not necessarily asking you for the true solution – seeing that it’s a problem I think just one person or a few people would have too much of a burden to fix by their lonesome – but I guess it’s something to muse and think upon mayhaps?

 

Post your comments, thoughts & concerns…

Psycho Blogger, Psycho Videos, Psycho Butch…I just think she’s CRAZY

"Dirt"

With all due respect to our readers, I’m throwing my “Political Correctness” out the window!

I decided to write a response, and spout out of my own, to address the blog that was written by my husband earlier this date.  Shortly after Tristan’s blog post about the “blogger.com transman hater dirtywhiteboi67″, I began to research this blogger myself…especially, after I was approached by several people who feared her retaliation after reporting her blog that is in direct violation of the website’s regulations.  I realized that she has people in fear of her and over what she might do.  I can only say that fear feeds her behavior but should not control yours.  ”Dirt”, as she calls herself, is not only an obvious man hater in every sense of the word, but she has embraced her claim to women: (“I am woman hear me roar”) so much so that she takes even more offense to a “woman that wants to be a man.”

I sat down and watched several of “Dirt’s” youtube videos only to find that she is a very lost soul with some very deep rooted wounds that fuel her hate for men.  My observations based on her facial expressions, micro expressions and visible body language in her videos is that this goes well beyond her “butch pride” and into wounds that you and I can only feel through her words and posts.

As much as I choose to believe her “ignorance” and “redneck” attitude play into her overly vocal hatred toward the transgender community, I truly see that this is about her hatred for men in general.

This post is not to address her outlandish, assinine statements; instead, it is intended to address the feelings or questions her readers may have.  I know that she lives in a glass  house and as much as she throws stones she, herself, cannot handle the same ridicule (hence why negative or opposing comments are not allowed or are erased from any of her posts).

“Dirt” is only as powerful as “we” make her…meaning, if you fear reporting her or if you fear addressing her hateful attacks on our community…then I don’t want to hear you bitch about it.  Our community and the communities before us did not get anywhere or break new ground on our rights by tucking tails in between our legs and running.

Make your presence know.  Take a stand.  Eliminate what keeps us oppressed.  If you fear people like this then ultimately they win.

For you “Dirt” (whatever):
You are a white mid-forties ugly ass butch dyke man hater who is probably bipolar with borderline personality disorder that was sexually assaulted/abused as a child/adolescence. I assume the blogging and vlogging that you “think” is your outlet probably needs to be replaced by intense therapy and heavy medication.

…I’m just sayin’.

Written by: Sicily Skye

EXPOSING “The dirt from Dirt”

Recently, a link was sent to me and I then discovered a blog on Blogger.com called “The dirt from Dirt” (dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com). Usually, I can read people’s opinions without feeling the need to post an official TQ “spout out”; however, when the blog is derived from a “Butch Lesbian”, a member of the LGBT community, and is overflowing with HATE for the FTM community, I could not be silent.

I was informed this person (who remains anonymous and refers to themselves as “Dirt” – how suiting), “tracks and attacks” those who come against her. I am taking a stand against this and using my rights exactly the same as her: my freedom of speech. If she chooses to attack me, it will certainly not be the first, nor last time in my life. Those who choose to attack others are factually known to be some of the most insecure human beings around. Psychological evidence proves that you put down others to feel better about yourself.

Dirt’s blog could have potentially been good. It appears her intention is to inform the butches out there not to join the “Trans Fad”. She doesn’t want them to fall victim to “peer pressure” and make a life-altering decision that will leave them changed in many irreversible ways. She lists mostly the cons of transitioning, yet some of it is insightful information.

Personally, I can vouch for not “pushing” or “pressuring” people into being FTM. I do see it as a major life decision and know there actually are some people who were butch lesbians, then started to transition and then stopped. The FLIP side of this is that Dirt fails to mention the many FTM’s that might not be here today if they did not have the capability to transition. Our community is flooded with suicide, just look at the recent news reports. Being transgender is very difficult for many, especially when facing potential family, relationship and job loss among others. It takes great courage for those of us who have known we were in the incorrect body for our entire life to correct it. We are not left unsatisfied and unfulfilled. We GAIN happiness and feelings of WHOLENESS that bridge the gap that once was in our hearts and soul. I do feel if a person has any doubt, they should speak to a LGBT-friendly professional to gain insight on their internal questions prior to pursuing any hormones or surgery.

Where does she go wrong? MANY ways.

I will focus my attention on a few key points.

First of all, she makes it clear it is a personal blog, not an open forum and pretty much makes it clear she will not allow certain comments. One transman, in particular, notified me that she had used his photo without his permission and when he left a comment, she deleted his comment and did not allow it to be posted.

I am not going to delete comments on this post. I encourage comments and feel we do all have the right and freedom to express ourselves, despite our differences in opinion.

I do not feel Dirt should use photos of transmen without their permission, even if they are on the internet. Especially in her posts that display a group of 9 photos showing “This Weekend’s Who is Transitioning” with her added words of, “All the young women here are injecting synthetic testosterone and some have had their breast hacked off their female bodies.”

I do not condone disrespect from anyone, especially someone within the LGBT community. The lesbians that refuse to respect people enough to call them by their preferred pronoun, truly is unsettling. They sometimes try to brush it off that they “don’t get it” or they are just “old-school”, but to me it’s interesting how these women who want to be recognized and respected for who they are refuse to pay the same respect to another.

In another post on FTM Buck Angel, Dirt refers to Angel as “she” and “woman”.

It saddens me that this individual does not follow the “Golden Rule” and actually has people who condone and enable her behavior.

To me, her dark cloud is similar to that of the dreaded, Fred Phelps.

Dirt makes it also clear she is NOT part of our community, but we are a part of hers. I can tell that truly upsets her.

She IS part of the community as a whole which does include the “T” for Transgender, and all she is doing is displaying the HATE our community does not tolerate and fights against. She is discriminating people that should be considered her family, people that have faced enough ridicule, the same as she has being a butch woman. Dirt is a BULLY. The kind that helped end the lives of so many of our brothers and sisters, except this BULLY comes from within our walls. She enjoys the satisfaction of trying to discredit and put down the minority within the minority.

The way she refers to transmen is out of pure hatred. I would say “ignorance”, but she has done enough research to be informed and educated enough on trans issues.

She has her main post which is entitled, “An Open Letter to the Trans Community” and suggests us read it prior to making a comment. Obviously, the blog is not intended for the trans community.

She wants to point out that transmen are ashamed of their female bodies and how she is truly a proud butch woman and it must scare us to hear that someone can appear to look “male” yet embrace their “womanhood”. In the same token, I wonder if she has ever thought of it reversed? How a transman is proud of being an FTM and how it might scare a butch woman to hear that. This is not a competition. I can only hope we can all be proud of who we are and be respected for whatever it is.

If she is wanting a blog that represents butch women for who they are, so be it, but remove all the jabs directed at the transmen. I feel she is outraged that butch women have even fallen within the category of transmen. To me, there is no comparison. Butch women are not transmen. Sure, some transmen were once butch women and Dirt should accept that fact and reality.

In another post, she basically tries to emphasize the fact that once on “T”, many transmen turn to sexual encounters with gay men while still having a committed relationship with a femme woman. She points out how they can contract HIV and then pass it on. She then concludes that lesbians will not want transmen and straight women will never be truly fulfilled by a transman, so they end up with gay “tops” who will be with whatever.

This is highly offensive. I personally know MANY transmen and only a small handful are gay men. Even still, why does their sexual orientation get hated on? I do NOT promote infidelity in a relationship with anyone, especially if they are engaged in un-safe sex and keeping it from their partner. Yet Dirt, is trying to stereotype transmen in the same way people stereotype lesbians and make “U-Haul” jokes, or with gay men never being faithful. We are NOT all one in the same.

Dirt’s URL says “dirtywhiteboi”. I think that speaks for itself.

Now, I am going to post several comments by other transmen (and one transwoman) on Dirt’s blog (since they were unable to comment on her blog):

Dirt is a hate-filled so-and-so who posts pictures of transmen on her blog in order to ridicule them. She thinks that transmen are just butches who hate and/or are ashamed of themselves and mutilate themselves with surgery/testosterone. She is a real piece of work, a crazy-a$$ piece of work. Also, she tracks the IPs of people who access her blog, so I’d be careful going to it or linking to it. – M

It’s gut wrenching. I came across this and could barely get through one post. She is hateful. Pure hate, to the core. It could very well be that she is hiding her own trans issues but who knows. It’s scary to think what kind of damage she is doing. It’s people/blogs like this that leave young people feeling suicide is the only option. I wish there was something we, as a community could do to stop her but, sadly, I don’t know what we could do other than report her to Blogger/YouTube etc. – A

I found this very offensive. Not in being anti-T, but being so accusatory and insulting. There is a difference between not trusting T, and insulting or using fear on those who do want this option. This is so hate-filled and this person seems to have no true understanding of what it means to be trans. I am afraid that young trans individuals will read this and be scared of admitting to themselves who they truly are, and deciding for themselves what steps to take. Obviously T is not the only option, but it is a safe option when done under doctor’s supervision. The one aspect that really showed me that this person does not understand what it means to be trans, was on the “symptom” list stating that T would “make it so you see a stranger in the mirror”. No, you start to see the person you truly are, right now I see a stranger in the mirror. She exaggerates and even makes up possible risks and symptoms of hormone therapy and rails against transgender people in a very demeaning way. Either this person is in severe denial, or really has some problems. This post worries me, it’s extremely offensive. – L

I’m hurt after reading this. It amazes me how people will be as harsh as they can be with their words and post anonymously. There are no words to describe how I feel. – B

She never mentioned the fact that “real” transmen are truly born in the wrong body… and that WE truly believe/KNOW we are male. The side effects she speaks of “we” as MEN are willing to live with, because they are the same as a bio male, which we should have been born with anyways! I could argue every point she makes about T and the effects on a female body, because I AM NOT FEMALE! – M

I hear all the time “Oh you have to realize that some people never will use male names or pronouns with you but that doesn’t mean you should be angry at them.” I am angry at people who can’t respect me. I correct people a few times, because, well there is an adjustment I realize that, but then I tell someone that I won’t respond to the wrong name or pronoun…and its worked before…over a long period of time. – D

One way we can put an end to the sickening Bully that calls themselves “Dirt” (dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com). It specifically states in the site’s “blogger policy” that “material that promotes hatred toward groups based on race or ethnic origin, religion, disability, gender, age, veteran status, or sexual orientation/gender identity is not allowed on Blogger.” Therefore the user is in violation of the terms and agreement and should be brought to the site’s attention as soon as possible. This can be done by following this link to report this directly to blogger.com. If we all band together, we can silence this Bully once and for all. - A

I hope as a community we CAN come together and do something about this. There is no need for a HATE blog to come from inside our LGBT walls that should be SAFE. Please do your part and report Dirt’s blog on Blogger.com.

Written by: Tristan Skye

Body Dysphoria is Universal

I was reading an article last night about the majority of people (around 75%) are not happy with their body. This average was also estimated with elementary school children. They blamed magazines since they have truly impacted the way people view themselves. Even men now have a “look” they feel they must obtain in order to be socially attractive.

I found this very interesting since most of us within the transgender community experience what is called, “body dysphoria”. We are not unlike the majority of the rest of the population. We are certainly not alone.

One part of this equation I find most disturbing is the “skinny craze”. It’s one thing to be fit and healthy and quite another to obsess over food and the need to be thin. It can control and take over your life.

Myself, I have fluctuated from thin to average to obese over the years. Currently, for health’s sake, I am trying to rid myself of extra belly “fluff” – but, after that I’m good to go.

Some trans men try to be super thin to lose all of their curves and have a more masculine physique. I can honestly say, you don’t have to starve yourself to obtain that. You can change your body at the gym! It’s amazing what certain weight training exercises can do to manipulate your current body.

I look at my wife’s body and most FTM’s would love it (minus her chest, obviously…and another part). She is a natural bodybuilder and her physique is very muscular, vascular (veins bulging) and she has muscles most women do not – like the “boy muscle” the V shape of your side obliques that point to your package…six-pack abs, arms that are truly called “guns” and much more. And, she’s a female – no steroids, no testosterone…and she doesn’t even use creatine. Sure, it didn’t happen overnight, but her body shows me what I can do. What I can truly obtain.

The bodybuilding motto: “The body can achieve what the mind can conceive” is very true.

The main thing I want to get across is this: Get the body you want in a HEALTHY way. No other way is worth it. Your life is too important to lose early due to malnutrition or an eating disorder.

If you struggle, don’t be too proud to get help. Find a local support group atleast. Join MDjunction.com and talk to others who can help. That is a great website!

I’m over the air-brushed magazines and photoshopped models. Don’t try to look like something THEY don’t even look like in real life.

Envision yourself with a realistic viewpoint of a body you CAN achieve. Then, do it. Get a routine and stick with it.

Change your life. It’s not too late.

Written by: Tristan Skye
President and Co-Founder of  TQ Nation